Strong Woman

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. 

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeat so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.   Maya Angelou 

This quote inspired me to pull out one of my deepest hurts to share tonight.

It was a hurt I am still healing. Imagine someone putting a whole fist through your heart and pulling it out while softly kissing you, after leaving the words I love you more than life ringing in your ears. Heartless.  After being separated for about 8 months, I moved back home.  To better lay things out for you I will back up a year and a half before separating. He and I were living in Tennessee, in his home town. He received a good job there a few years after retiring from Military. He later asked me to  move there so that we could work on our marriage, the second time around. I thought about it for several weeks and then decided to just do it. I gave up my job, pension and all else that came with my position. Why not, I was his wife and my husband had always been a great provider, despite the constant infidelity.  I wasn't worried financially, however, I had my reservations emotionally, but regardless of any apprehensive thoughts, I moved to Tennessee. I let him know before I came there, that I was still an emotional wreck from all the events that had taken place over the past year or so including his infidelity.  He assured me that he was ready to be what I need him to be.  I explained I was not mentally capable of dealing with any foolishness from him. Point blank I was fragile and if he wasn't sincere then leave me alone.  He assured me a hundred times over he was serious. I can't remember all of what was said but that was the just of it and yes I believed him.  I thought with my heart, because I loved this man. (Don't Judge Me).

  In all fairness I must be honest, when I left him that first time I did find me someone who catered to me especially on an emotional level. This man was everything my husband wasn't emotionally, but he wasn't my husband.  I also let my husband know in a phone conversation, after I left him that I had a "friend".  I guess I really needed him to know he wasn't the only one who could get somebody else and  I am going to own up to mines.  Which in some crazy way, I figured if I told him about it, I was better than him.  I also wanted him to feel as hurt as he hurt me. Of course ego got the best of him but I could care less at that time.  This was the first time in our marriage that I decided to do me.  So to shorten that story, I moved to Tennessee to get back what we lost and redevelop a better marriage.  Keep in mind I moved away from my family and friends into unfamiliar territory.  We had several months of blissful days , out of nowhere here comes this drama king acting as if all of a sudden out of the blue everything is a problem. So after awhile of ignoring his antics I asked what was wrong with him and he clearly said he was stressed from trying to deal with his marriage life and outside life.  Holding my breathe, I asked him to clarify outside life, the job is what I got. In my mind home life can't be a problem, barely see each other during week due to him working 3-midnight shift and I worked from 7:30 am-5pm. I spent most of time with kids during week and weekends we split between family time and date night for us. It seem to be happy times at least from my perspective. I mean we shared a great deal of laughter and fun every date night, making plans for the next.  So, I blew the whole conversation off because I just didn't feel like hearing the lies covered in foolishness.  One day he asked me to print him phone bills out because the company apparently had been over charging or something. Anyway I did but it also included the call logs which YES, I went through the call log.  He should not have given me access to information, he didn't want me to find.  I noticed a number that he called and texted regularly during his work hours. You already know, I became a detective and yes I called  number.  The young lady explained she had been with him and her dates were prior to me moving there.  So I asked him and of course he lied but eventually said it was somebody he just talk to on the phone  and it was a phone relationship.  This him being honest. SMH, still lying.   That was it, I absolutely had to get away. I am in the middle of nowhere ( We lived in the county away from his family and everything else) and then some more foolishness, not to mention he was trying to convince me constantly that there was nothing between him and a family friend who was also married. I felt that in my gut but he and she constantly denied it. His some of his family members told me I was tripping about that.  She attended most of the family functions, so it was in my face.   Of course he wouldn't speak to her when I was around and I would often catch her staring at me, of course I was told I am tripping as usual.  Well, years later I found out I was right and her husband put a monkey wrench in that.  His sister than confirmed it.  It was time for me to go back home and I was even more of a wreck when I left.

About 5 months after I left Tennessee, he moved back to Virginia as well. Thus started his pursuit to getting his family back.  I refused his proposals for about 9 months. During that time apart, I was in church but also seeing someone. I became convicted and felt the need to move home and make it right as my husband had previously asked.  I don't know when it happen, but I had a strong desire to do what was right in God's sight. I had a conversation with my husband and we agreed that I would move back home.  He told me about someone he had been seeing but it didn't go anywhere and she wasn't what he wanted. He strongly expressed being ready to have his family back at home. We agreed to seek counseling as well. So we moved forth. 

As always it doesn't take long to figure him out.  Sure enough he was still seeing this person and to add insult to injury she was 26 years old and he was 47 at the time. She had 2 young kids and I believed lived with her parents. One day during an argument, he actually told me he didn't  actually break up with her because he didn't want to lose me and things did not work out for them and vice versa. It infuriates me still.  I told him he needs to go and do whatever it takes but she needs to disappear because life doesn't work like that.  This man literally came back home and cried  because he hurt  this girl. I was shocked. I really had to question God because, I believed I was doing what God told me to do. I prayed for direction on this situation because I was so ready to leave.  The next morning he woke up rolled over gave me a hug and kiss, told me he loved me. He wanted me to get dress so we could go to breakfast I was so confused, but I went. For weeks everything was good. He was attentive and a sweetheart. Then here comes the BOOM. He moved his adult daughter in with her 3 kids (whom we weren't on speaking terms), without any consideration of consulting with me. 

they rarely got along. He started being distant towards me and pretty much carried the attitude this his house and he does what he wants. Well after finally speaking with his daughter,  she explained he planned this a few months back and that basically she was told I was there but we weren't together and apparently he was in a relationship with the 26 year old.  I told her she will soon see what was really going on.  I'm skipping a lot right now because I am not ready to relive it all. 

He told this child and others that I was only there because I needed help financially and I had no place to live. Lies. I had and still have a good career and a place to live, before his foolish pursuit.

I took so many walks during this time because I needed some type of  answers from God as to why I was here. I was so miserable and it got so much worst. The side disrespect and sneaking around not to mention your daughter and grandkids spending time with her too. His daughter was 28 and the girl was 26 both with young kids. It was out of my league. It was so hurtful, mainly because despite our differences I did more to help his daughter get settled putting my feelings aside.  He did not help her at all. I later found out from one of our friends, he brought his daughter here to run me out.  I truly felt as if I could not handle anymore. The woman child had been up to his job,  I mean I felt defeated, but something in me wouldn't let me run. I prayed even harder and pretty much stayed to myself. I had no more energy to fight or flight. I was stuck. I cried in the shower and as I slept so no one would see my tears. I would go in my prayer closet for hours. He even had my father believing I was this horrible person who cheated on him. My father would say things like I need to get it together and how I got this good man providing a life for me. My dad never asked me anything. He would always attack me based on their conversations. I lashed out at my dad instead of talking to him. I had a problem with trying to prove anything to anyone , I just did not believe in it. I just feel people going believe what they want and who am I to make them believe different. The situation with my dad hurt me to my core, but I backed away from him also.  I put on a strong appearance for my daughter and sons, but I felt like I was barely making it mentally. During this whole adventure he would not divorce me. It's like he took pleasure in seeing me hurt. If I  brought up divorce or separation he would always say we will cross that bridge when we get to it.  I was there.  God blessed me with the strength every moment to wake up and go forth with each day. I know He doesn't put more on you than you can carry, but my load had me on the floor crawling.  I still could not see why was I here. I continued to pray.  His daughter finally saw the light. After many nights of talking to her because she genuinely sought her father's affection and approval and no matter what she couldn't get it. My advice to her was basically love herself  and seek God.  She found a church and became active. She was happier than I've seen her since she first came. She and her father got into a big argument and she released a lot of his business in the air and he truly turned on her, His mission was to move her back to Tennessee asap.  She apologized, telling me how she regretted going along with him and his affair and she realized all her help with the kids and life in Virginia came from me. She knew she was hurting me when it was happening, but I understand also she was strongly seeking a true love from her father. I forgave her when it first started.  She expressed wanting to get baptized and I was there.  What she never knew is I made her father come, he was very reluctant. I pushed my pain aside to be there for her spiritually. She had always believed I was the reason she didn't have that relationship with her father although through the years I was always there for her even when her father had turned his back on her. He raised her but there were so many women and he always put them ahead of her.  She began to realize that I was never the problem. Her father is who he is. He didn't and still doesn't have close relationship with any of his kids (4). He however treated my daughter as if she was biologically his.  Which made his daughter feel even worst. I poured all that I had into her as I did my own.   

So, the Mister is back to being a husband.   The young lady mailed a card for him to the house and he called her in front of me and told her to please do not send things to the house because Johnnetta doesn't like that. ( I should of paid attention to his wording). She cursed him and he hung up.  I was impressed. (SMH at me thinking about how stupid I was).  He brought me flowers, candy, a purse and watch for Valentine's day. I did not get him a card because I did not expect to celebrate anything, not even my birthday, which is I the same week.  He gave me 2 beautiful cards and what he wrote in them made me cry. I thought finally God is answering my prayers. I mean he was all over me and with so much care and consideration. I thanked God over and over again.  That same weekend he was going out of town with his mason friends to Raleigh. I was fine with it.

That Monday when he returned, I used his truck. Getting my bags out I noticed some chocolate hand cuffs in a box on the floor. It must have come from under seat. I asked him about it. He justified it with they gave them out at work. I shook it off. Believing I have to let go of somethings so that God can do a work in me. So, life went on.

 He wanted to take me here and there, just spending time. He and his friend rent a home on the beach every year. Well I did not want to attend because I am really was not trying to be around any places he has taken the woman child.  He called me several times asking me to come. I refused. It's like he forgot it wasn't too long ago I didn't mean anything to you. When I did not go out there Friday night he came home because" he wanted his wife with him".  Saturday afternoon he got ready to go, I still was not going and told him my reasoning, he stated oh she has never been out there I would take her around the wives out there. I just shook my head but I was not going. I told him actually enjoy yourself stay until Monday I'm good.  Nevertheless, he called. I finally came Sunday after church stayed for 20 minutes and left.  In that 20 minutes he put on like we were as happy as a bum winning the lottery.  I couldn't, it was father's day and although my father and I was on bad terms I loved him too much to let this day go by without spending time with him.  I went on my merry way. I seem to be in this constant battle of not letting my heart harden and continue to love unconditionally.   He was this new person so I did not see what came next coming. 

He expressed he wanted to go to Jacksonville to visit his friend. I know they had been talking about going to Jaguars game. So it sounded great to me. He said he was leaving on a Thursday and will be back early Monday afternoon. It was about 3 weeks away so I was appreciative of the heads up and discussing it with me. He had started discussing things with me and making decisions together.  So I was cool with it.  I had no reason to not believe him. He called me a few times along the road , when he got there before he went to bed, when he got up. Sent me pictures and then his phone was going to be turned off and he stated he was going to let it get turned off because his daughter was on the account with him and she didn't pay her part of bill, so this is a lesson to her.  I did agreed at the logic because that meant he would be without a phone. Nevertheless, the phone off for 3 days and then he calls me to let me know its back on and he is on the road home.

Once I got off of work and got home, he immediately kisses me and says thank you for allowing me to have that break and how much he appreciates me. So I am really wondering what's going on.

I looked at him one day while he was driving and he literally looked as if he was being tormented inside. I asked him if he was okay mentally. He just looked dark, but not in color.  He grabbed my hand and said he just had a lot on his mind  and lets go to our favorite spot and get some marguerites.

I was at work minding my own work business when I received a text that stated" You can have your husband back he lied to me".   I knew exactly who it was. This was the same child  that had many taunting conversations with me in regards to how my husband wanted her and not me. How they were trying to have a baby and  I need to leave so he can sell his house and they can start their life.

Yeah, he truly was dealing with a child and I was petty because I went back and forth with her. 

It often ended with her hanging up on me because my mouth can be brutally reckless at times. 

 I texted back to call me and sure enough it was this child crying. She expressed how  he lied to her and she just wanted to apologize to me for all the trouble she caused. (My mind immediately went to you knew he was lying when called me the first time, but you had your thing on a string and couldn't nobody tell you nothing).  But instead I told her she was already forgiven. A peace over came me that could  not be disturbed.  She then continued to tell me how he told her he and I were roommates and I would get mad if he stayed out or if he did not eat the dinner I cooked. Yes, I held my tongue and let her talk besides I was at work.  She continued to tell me how she always had to pay for everything, including a trip to Jamaica (remember the trip he was so grateful I let him take, supposedly in Florida with his homeboy). She sent me the itinerary and pictures taken of them and her two very young children. She sent me pictures they took in hotels and church. Go figure.   She spent her money because apparently he had to take care of me.  She brought clothes for him and took good care of him.  I asked her why would she do this for a married man. She stated he told her we weren't together and he was going to divorce me so that they could start a life together, but I wouldn't let go. I laughed, under my breathe, because she was just as confused as he was. So I am a roommate that wouldn't let go.   I didn't want to believe she was this stupid. After all she let me know she let me know she had just finished RN school and she made good money and did not need a man to take care of her or her kids. She let me know they were happy and the only arguments they had was because she didn't like how he always jumped to leave if I texted or call.  This was surprising to me.   I simply explained to her that men are very selfish and I am sorry she was hurt, but as a wife I can't sympathize with her. Then I broke it down to her woman to woman.  I am not in or have been in any kind of financial bind. I will not put a dime towards household expenses because of my husbands actions. As far as having to take care of everything, that's what a husband does, especially when he tells his wife he doesn't want her to pay anything. He comes home at night because he's married.  He is not sleep when you call or text after a certain hour and he does not respond, he is married.  He answers the phone when I call, because he is married.  She expressed how he really hurt her after being in a relationship for  two years, she can't believe he would just call her and say he can't do this anymore he was tired of living two lives. I almost fell out my chair. They both crazy. I now understood why I had no emotions towards my situation. I was being prepared.  I told the child to not let this harden her heart and don't invest so much in a married man next time. She told me 

she was going to get his baby daddy to do something to him. I told her that's their business just make sure my daughter and I wasn't around, please and to take care and I hope everything works out for her in life.  She was very upset and to top it off the same wife you taunted is the same person you called crying.   I was over all of it, but I'm petty. When I got home he was in his mancave  pretty much in deep thought. I said I heard you and your girlfriend broke up. He told me he didn't want to talk about it but my pettiness wouldn't let me leave it there, so you really told that girl you was tired of living two lives.  He looked at me to see if I was angry, I wasn't. I really found the situation hilarious.  I knew God and I knew his work.  He will turn things around in a blink of an eye.

I was now numb and I thank God each day for that numbness because that wound was severe and I could feel it. I did not cry. I literally laughed until my stomach hurt. This was pure craziness.  

He sat me down the next day and we talked about the whole situation. Still I didn't get upset, not tear formed. I was amazingly calm.  I believe the only thing I expressed I was hurt about was that we had always planned to take our first cruise together and he took that from me. I thanked him and carried on as if nothing happened. I called my friend so we can laugh about it together.   He later as a surprised booked a cruise for us. After thinking on it for several days  I declined. He was upset because he would lose his deposit but oh well such is life. I wasn't going. 

 I was numb to everything pertaining to my marriage, including intimacy. This affair was the straw that broke the camels back.  I read more of my word and prayed in search of my emotions so I could properly pray. Nothing, I kept coming up empty but I was okay with not feeling anything for my situation. I pushed harder to become closer to God because I believed that's the only way to get clarity. The church I joined compensated for the happiness I did not have in my marriage. I still continued to be a wife faithfully and eventually intimately. Although I believe my reasons for stopping was legitimate. I consulted with the assistant Pastor at my new church in regard to my situation and my current lack of feelings in regards to it.  I was told sometimes it's like a light you can flip the switch on and off so many times and it works for you but there is going to come that one time you flip the switch and nothing happens. The bulb is just done. Since he would not come to church whenever I asked we couldn't get proper counseling, so I had to just get it for my lack of feelings. My focus quickly turned off my situation, no more worries me, poor little victim me. My friend asked me when it comes to your marriage what do you want.  I had no clue. She said you must first decide what you want because God honor's our request, but we can't waver in our decision. It was a lot to chew on. I couldn't find emotions so how could I even know what I wanted.  I just felt empty like,

that feeling you have when you have given it everything you've got. Nothing remains, It feels like a piece of your soul is missing.  I just needed strength and to know why am I here. Not on earth but in this situation. This whole marriage was never me. 

I am the Lord your God, who brought you up and out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth and I will fill it. Psalms 81:10.

That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am Strong.     2 Corinthians 12:10

Although I now look back and think I had to be out of my mind. I know it was all done for a greater purpose that only God could reveal.

Go through your trials knowing He is with you every step of the way. He allows us to stumble to build strength but never does he leave your side when you trust in him.   

You are beautiful!!