It wasn't in the forecast but it was definitely in the pit of my stomach. I felt a storm brewing. Yet, I was unprepared.
The winds were incredibly strong, forcing me along it's path rather than my own. It spun me in a whirlwind of circles, until I no longer knew who or where I was. I caught my balance just in time to face the rains that uncontrollably flooded what I valued the most. My thoughts disappeared with loud pounding of thunder right before lightening struck the foundation of my defeated existence. My world crumbled leaving me stuck in the rubble of what once was my so called life. Standing alone in the darkness, clenching pieces of my brokenness, searching for a wholeness I once owned. The tears began to fall at the thoughts of giving in to the storm. I deserve this, I should have prepared for the storm. Although, I knew it would come again as it came many times before. There were never thoughts of preparation, just silly ideals of how to stop the storm with no action plan behind it. Only the expectation it's passing, in hopes it wouldn't stay long and I could get back to this wretched thing I now called my life.
The storm drained me, depleting all and any emotions I may have held in regards to my life.
Now that it's over I find the strength to pick up what I can salvage of the broken pieces and rebuild my broken life upon the broken foundation. In hopes that it would hold, but not anticipating it withstanding another storm. It's okay, I know it will not hold but for a moment. It's where and what I've grown to know. It may not be the best but I am comfortable there. Although the sun is shining else where my mind tells me I must to stay here.
I want to walk out but my insecurities causes me to believe there will be whispers by strangers and the judgement by friends. The insecurities send me back into the storm because at least there I know what to expect and in some strange way I have forced myself to believe I am safe. Truth is, no one is whispering. Strangers see me and scream for me to come out. My true friends are praying that I find my way.
I have weathered storm after storm until we were of one accord. Along with my storms, I was
destructive, defensive, crushed, with no real sense of purpose, or regards to the inconveniences of lives being interrupted, just as long as at the end of it all, hurt was felt by someone. I tolerated what was thrown at me like a hungry dog chasing a half eaten bone. I convinced myself to be comfortable in the storm by repeating the words I told myself daily." This is your life, things will get better, just sit tight". These words clouded my mind so much I no longer told myself , "You are beautiful", instead it became easier to hide behind a beautifully drawn on smile. Easily put on resulting in me no longer looking in the mirror. There was no need, I was unfamiliar with the person looking back at me. I no longer recognized who I use to be, only who I have become. She was not me. My eyes shined bright, hers full of darkness, my smile matched my eyes, hers was just there. Self esteem was replaced with self pity and wine became my word. I was held captive to my own self doubt. No regards of my self worth.
To God be All the Glory!!!
I now know those storms were mine for a reason. Although there are so many bad memories and hurts, I am so thankful for those storms. In the midst of it I discovered what I could really weather. I was not depleted I was still full of life, I was never defeated, I persevered with the strength of a thousand men. Those hurts taught me how to guard my heart. I confused complacency with being comfortable. I thought it was the storms that took away what I valued most. Not at all. I needed to be empty to be filled. God stripped me of the self confidence, which harbored both pride and ego, because there was no place for those things where he needed me to go. Every loud cry, God heard and for each tear He replaced with joy. The broken pieces of my life were replaced with wholeness and peace. At my weakest point I realized God made me strong. He Blessed me with the strength to stand in it and come through it. I stood in the darkness until I made the choice to see the light. Yes, I had to make the choice and God did the rest.
Although I will continue to tell my story I do understand that my brokenness was not due to a man, but to God I give all the Glory. I had to be broken in order to walk this path He set forth for me.
Good, bad, ugly, hard , hectic, stressful and unbearable, things happen for a reason. Find your strength in the storm and know that God is working things out for His Glory. Pray without ceasing and cry until the tears no longer fall. Praise God in the midst of your storm, call on Him and he will answer. Never look at what it looks like and shut the negativity of your own thoughts out. Share your feelings with someone or start a Dear Self journal if you are too ashamed to share with someone close to you. I just know believing you are the only one going through it, destroys you and your hopes. I went through it alone not wanting to be judge. Remember we are our own worst judges.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2Corinthians 4:8-9
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1Peter 5:10
I hope this helps at least one person.
God Bless.
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