Today I opened my chest just for you. I waited patiently as you took in the view.  The sight of my heart as it pumped fascinated you.  Amazed at it's size brought questions to the mind. How can something the size of  your fist  be the reason life in the body exist? How can something so small be the reason for it all. Then it no longer intrigues you and you walk away never noticing the beats that asked you to stay.  You turn around for a second look not believing what you saw was true.  Smiling at what you felt your eyes were telling you. The selfish thoughts of my heart only beats because of you caused you to dance as you backed away. The look on my face stated that my heart wasn't okay.

Suddenly, it ceased to pump, my mind goes blank while you catch me as my body slumps. Clear ! I hear from some where distant as you send shock waves through my very existence, not to bring me back to life instead to satisfy your pride. Feeling no shame because you enjoy this ride. You assume it's because of you my heart should continue a healthy strive.  I attempt to recover with no avail , continuing to walk by you side as you guide me from happiness to hell and back again. I become tired and worn out but holding on not letting the journey end. Contemplating , what would happen if I just let my heart stop. Agonizing over the thoughts of your past rejections while feeling hopeless  and tired of being neglected.  The darkness is too dark  I can't see a life ahead and the light is to bright, so I close my eyes to the truth. I can't think, my mind goes blank, I just want life to be lived as it should have been,  sharing laughter and love with you as not only my husband but my best friend.

But that's not my story, it's the story I wanted for me.  

Life doesn't always turn in the direction we wish, but we have to push past the difficulty it brings. Believe in God more than we believe in man.  I loved harder than I think I have ever loved in my entire life, All it brought me was heartache, humiliation and pain.  Truth is I allowed it to happen to me, not for any reason other than wanting the love of this man.  I use to feel as though I was so secure with who I was as a woman. I was never the jealous type. I was inspired by other woman who appeared to have it all together. Never judge a book by it's cover.  We all have some insecurity and from time to time its okay to have a face to face reality check with yourself.   Although this was 13 years of my life, it was well worth the lesson of this experience.  Crazy part of it all is I thought I truly knew who I was, but I really didn't know me. lol.  When you go through life trials you really find out who you truly are. I was a fighter, but I gave up at times. I was a strong independent black woman, but I became weak, vulnerable and dependent on the affections of someone else. I handled my business, but I let things go. I walked with my head held high, but I often looked at the ground to avoid people seeing my red eyes from the tears I produced the night before. I was full of life, but I felt I had no more to give at times. I had a strong mind but I wasn't at peace. 

It wasn't until I truly submitted myself and everything I was going through to God that I acquired the peace and joy that I still hold.  Something different happened. I was no longer in the dark, my eyes saw things different, my mind no longer played tricks on me. I knew better. My heart belonged to God and He truly protected it.  I prayed and He answered.  My life is on the path He created for me and in this journey I feel safe. It's not easy by far, nor is everything what I would chose for me, but its not my story , It's the story He has for me and I am so ready for the next chapter. 

For He knows the plans He has for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future   Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all you heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

 

If you would like to email me, you may do so at  essenceoflife.me2@gmail.com