Fighting to focus, forcing myself to face reality of a waking dream of no more you and me. I stood in place although my mind screamed run, my heart wouldn't let me leave. Not understanding why you spoke words that annihilated my very existence as they rolled off your tongue, crept up my sleeve hitting my heart, demolishing my dreams one by one. But I forgave you and my heart to you still stood true.
Forgiveness seems unfair but necessary to repair the torn broken walls that held me in place.
Consumed with bitterness as I reminisce of the last time a smile or laughter crossed my face. But I forgave you. I had a choice and I chose not to choose, so I felt I had to continue the race or else I would lose you. For that your consequences I endured.
Staring in mirror only to realize a wretched mess stood with hidden emotions as wide as oceans, Needing to vent to someone instead remaining silent out fear of being judged because you think no one would understand or even want to hear. To endure any form of criticism sends you over the edge, especially when you are already standing on the ledge. Question: If I jumped would you even care? I But I forgive you, as this life I continued to live unfair.
Forgiveness seems unfair but necessary to repair the torn broken walls that held me in place.
Consumed with bitterness as I reminisce of the last time a smile or laughter crossed my face. But I forgave you. I had a choice and I chose not to choose, so I felt I had to continue the race or else I would lose you. For that your consequences I endured.
Staring in mirror only to realize a wretched mess stood with hidden emotions as wide as oceans, Needing to vent to someone instead remaining silent out fear of being judged because you think no one would understand or even want to hear. To endure any form of criticism sends you over the edge, especially when you are already standing on the ledge. Question: If I jumped would you even care? I But I forgive you, as this life I continued to live unfair.
Now that I am able to reminisce without dropping a tear, a lot of things appear very clear. How could I put so much focus on someone who did not add to my life. It was a constant distraction of subtraction. Meaning, I was steady being stripped of me, piece by piece. It took away my confidence, my happiness and peace and replaced it with so much hurt, pain and sadness.
It's funny how, I thought I use to know so much but really didn't know enough at all. I figured if I seriously focused on me, it would make for a better marriage then everything would be great. So untrue, that would make me self centered. A marriage is a mixture of three elements. Although I knew that I still decided to focus on me believing it would fix things.
I often asked myself " what is wrong with me" ? I would even ask him and he would often say it's not about me but himself. Go figure that was the one truth he told and I didn't believe it. Side note: I know it and believe it now. In effort on both parts to make it work we decided to see a marriage counselor and I found the meetings very productive and helpful. Welcoming constructive criticism and suggestions about myself. I thought it was going well. Apparently not because he decided it was not working. Okay was all I could say, but I continued to see the therapist because I know had a voice to speak an ear without judgement, most important words that came from the wisdom of knowing God. My therapist was a minister and no I did not tell my husband this before hand as I know he would not agree to see the therapist. In my search for marriage counselors, I only looked for ones who were Christians. I may have been wrong but I needed some Jesus. He believed and prayed to God, but as we all have done. He wanted to live like he wanted to live. His choice.
I really needed some type of understanding of why and how a person could be so untouched by their actions towards you but move mountains to get you back if you leave them. This man has cried on so many shoulders every time I walked away or talked about leaving. He will go to extreme of moving from state to state to be with me just to treat me like dirt. Everything would start off great then six months down the line he would go on the internet and or a club and boom he was back to a married man living single again. But when you love your husband, you forgive and move on. A repeated cycle. I was a hamster in a wheel but I did love him, flaws and all. I just thought I could make him into a better person. He could be the biggest sweetheart. I really saw something better in him. Sometimes you have to believe it when people indirectly tell you who they really are. Always remembering Ephesians 6:12, I pray for him daily. I remember one situation whereas he was being him and doing what he does best and he walked in expecting a confrontation , ( by this time I was praying about everything) I was so peaceful it scared him. I don't think he slept all night but I did. The next morning he was a wreck. He asked me if I were okay. I gave him a simple yes along with kiss on the cheek and said God got this, so I'm great. That's my first memory of noticing peace was overcoming me. I get chills remembering how I felt. Going from arguments with sleepless nights watching him snore like he didn't have a care in the world to sleeping like a baby and waking up happy even though I was still in the midst of my problems. Although I was no where out of the woods, I felt a comfort like never before. I did not focus any longer on myself , my husband or my marriage, but solely on God. Although my situation was the same and my heart was still ached, I felt different, a good different and still this day I can't exactly describe it. I just felt happiness. I felt like David in 2 Samuel 22:17-20.
Sometimes the sweetest apple can be so satisfying until you see that spot where a worm has been. You enjoyed it so much but everything changed when you noticed you weren't the only one who enjoyed it and it's no longer any good for you. Attempting to bite the other side, you really can't enjoy it the same. You can cut the infiltrated part off but you still know it was there . So your taste for it changes. But because your were hungry and this apple was satisfying to you it's hard to just throw it out without exploring other options. Then someone wiser comes along and removes that apple. You are hurt, probably mad and in disbelief. Especially when you are given apple seeds and directed to plant them in a new unknown territory. So, basically faithful patience of the my future is where I stand following the direction of the light that will produce the soil to multiply my fruit.
To be honest I still love him and hold nothing against him, but so THANKFUL he has been removed from my life. I keep in prayer. God created me with a big heart.
Good night All!
It's funny how, I thought I use to know so much but really didn't know enough at all. I figured if I seriously focused on me, it would make for a better marriage then everything would be great. So untrue, that would make me self centered. A marriage is a mixture of three elements. Although I knew that I still decided to focus on me believing it would fix things.
I often asked myself " what is wrong with me" ? I would even ask him and he would often say it's not about me but himself. Go figure that was the one truth he told and I didn't believe it. Side note: I know it and believe it now. In effort on both parts to make it work we decided to see a marriage counselor and I found the meetings very productive and helpful. Welcoming constructive criticism and suggestions about myself. I thought it was going well. Apparently not because he decided it was not working. Okay was all I could say, but I continued to see the therapist because I know had a voice to speak an ear without judgement, most important words that came from the wisdom of knowing God. My therapist was a minister and no I did not tell my husband this before hand as I know he would not agree to see the therapist. In my search for marriage counselors, I only looked for ones who were Christians. I may have been wrong but I needed some Jesus. He believed and prayed to God, but as we all have done. He wanted to live like he wanted to live. His choice.
I really needed some type of understanding of why and how a person could be so untouched by their actions towards you but move mountains to get you back if you leave them. This man has cried on so many shoulders every time I walked away or talked about leaving. He will go to extreme of moving from state to state to be with me just to treat me like dirt. Everything would start off great then six months down the line he would go on the internet and or a club and boom he was back to a married man living single again. But when you love your husband, you forgive and move on. A repeated cycle. I was a hamster in a wheel but I did love him, flaws and all. I just thought I could make him into a better person. He could be the biggest sweetheart. I really saw something better in him. Sometimes you have to believe it when people indirectly tell you who they really are. Always remembering Ephesians 6:12, I pray for him daily. I remember one situation whereas he was being him and doing what he does best and he walked in expecting a confrontation , ( by this time I was praying about everything) I was so peaceful it scared him. I don't think he slept all night but I did. The next morning he was a wreck. He asked me if I were okay. I gave him a simple yes along with kiss on the cheek and said God got this, so I'm great. That's my first memory of noticing peace was overcoming me. I get chills remembering how I felt. Going from arguments with sleepless nights watching him snore like he didn't have a care in the world to sleeping like a baby and waking up happy even though I was still in the midst of my problems. Although I was no where out of the woods, I felt a comfort like never before. I did not focus any longer on myself , my husband or my marriage, but solely on God. Although my situation was the same and my heart was still ached, I felt different, a good different and still this day I can't exactly describe it. I just felt happiness. I felt like David in 2 Samuel 22:17-20.
Sometimes the sweetest apple can be so satisfying until you see that spot where a worm has been. You enjoyed it so much but everything changed when you noticed you weren't the only one who enjoyed it and it's no longer any good for you. Attempting to bite the other side, you really can't enjoy it the same. You can cut the infiltrated part off but you still know it was there . So your taste for it changes. But because your were hungry and this apple was satisfying to you it's hard to just throw it out without exploring other options. Then someone wiser comes along and removes that apple. You are hurt, probably mad and in disbelief. Especially when you are given apple seeds and directed to plant them in a new unknown territory. So, basically faithful patience of the my future is where I stand following the direction of the light that will produce the soil to multiply my fruit.
To be honest I still love him and hold nothing against him, but so THANKFUL he has been removed from my life. I keep in prayer. God created me with a big heart.
Good night All!
My heart is always with you. One of the biggest thing about you is your heart and the power to forgive. Some time God put us through trails to remind us who we are and to always keep our eyes on him no matter what and that's what you are doing well done sister and know you are always loved😍 Keep your head up . Nahum1:7
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