Just a quick note:

 Praise your way into Peace.   

Wisdom comes while waiting, developing patience is amazing.
Your struggle never defines you, it only gives definition of the strength you acquired to come out of what you went through. Your weakness is not your downfall but its the reason you now stand tall. Being judge doesn't make it true, it builds character that proves you weren't what was spoke of you. Your scars shouldn't be hidden, it shows the world what you've been through. Rejection allowed you to stand out and be true to you. Being alone doesn't make you lonely, it allots time of self reflection and the silent moments to hear God's words and feel His affection.

There were so many times in my life as I reminisce,  I can say, I wish I knew what I now know, but everything is a process. In my opinion you are never wrong when you go through a situation whereas you have done all you have the knowledge to do. You can't google everything and even if someone gives you good advice or advice period you are still reluctant. Every situation is different as are people. I can say I would have done it differently if I knew then what I know now but really would my situation had been the same. I think not. I am a lot wiser then I was previously and my faith is far beyond what it use to be.  I am very thankful for every experience in life that I have encountered. It has prepared me and strengthen me. I now understand that I don't have to hide my scars or believe the lies I allowed myself to believe about me.  I promise if you seek God and lean on him in your time of trouble, He will give you a peace and joy in the middle of chaos, that those surrounding you would never understand. He did that for me and it was absolutely amazing. It didn't end my troubles but it kept me in an unbelievable place of peace.  My happiness would be snatched away but I still had my joy. My circumstances would be all over the place but peace was all over me.  

Because your love is better than life. my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you  as long as I live,  and in your name I will lift up my hands.  Psalms 63:3-4

If someone is in the dark share the Light. Don't be gentle with the truth. Speak up louder, let your words be heard, proclaim it with all your might. Fear not the fiasco it may bring, in their ears let God's words ring.   Stand strong in what is right and know He stands with you through your plight.  Allow your pain to fuel your power. Pray without ceasing in the midnight hours.  Faith increases when you have no fear of being led.  Let go of what you know to obtain understanding that will provide knowledge that allows you to grow.  

Peace and Blessings All

Focus

Fighting to focus, forcing myself to face reality of a waking dream of  no more you and me. I stood in place although my mind screamed run, my heart wouldn't let me leave.  Not understanding why you spoke words that annihilated  my very existence as they rolled off your tongue, crept up my sleeve hitting my heart, demolishing my dreams one by one.  But I forgave you and my heart to you still stood true.
 Forgiveness seems unfair but necessary to repair the torn broken walls that held me in place.
Consumed with bitterness as I reminisce of the last time a smile or laughter crossed my face. But   I forgave you. I had a choice and I chose not to choose, so I felt I had to continue the race or else I would lose you. For that your consequences I endured. 
Staring in mirror only to realize a wretched mess stood with hidden emotions as wide as oceans,  Needing to vent to someone instead remaining silent out fear of being judged because you think no one would understand or even want to hear.  To endure any form of criticism sends you over the edge, especially when you are already standing on the ledge.  Question: If I jumped would you even care? I  But I forgive you, as this life I continued to live unfair.

 

Now that I am able to reminisce without dropping a tear,  a lot of things appear very clear. How could I  put so much focus on someone  who did not add to my life. It was a constant distraction of subtraction. Meaning, I was steady being stripped of me, piece by piece.  It took away my confidence, my happiness and peace and replaced it with so much hurt, pain and sadness. 
It's funny how, I thought I  use to know so much but really didn't know enough at all. I figured if I seriously focused on me, it would make for a better marriage then everything would be great. So untrue, that would make me self centered. A marriage is a mixture of three elements. Although I knew that I still decided to focus on me believing it would fix things.
  I often asked myself " what is wrong with me" ? I would even ask him and he would often say it's not about me but himself. Go figure that was the one truth he told and I didn't believe it.  Side note: I know it and believe it now.  In effort on both parts to make it work we decided to see a marriage counselor and I found the meetings very productive and helpful. Welcoming constructive criticism and suggestions about myself.  I thought it was going well. Apparently not because he decided it was not working. Okay was all I could say, but I continued to see the therapist because I know had a voice to speak an ear without judgement, most important words that came from the wisdom of knowing God. My therapist was a minister and no I did not tell my husband this before hand as I know he would not agree to see the therapist.  In my search for marriage counselors, I only looked for ones who were Christians.  I may have been wrong but I needed some Jesus.  He believed and prayed to God, but as we all have done. He wanted to live like he wanted to live. His choice.
I really needed some type of understanding of why and how a person could be so untouched by their actions towards you but move mountains to get you back if you leave them.  This man has cried on so many shoulders every time I walked away or  talked about leaving. He will go to extreme of moving from state to state to be with me just to treat me like dirt. Everything would start off great then six months down the line he would go on the internet and or a club and boom he was back to a married man living single again.   But when you love your husband, you forgive and move on. A repeated cycle. I was a hamster in a wheel but I did love him, flaws and all. I just thought I could make him into a better person. He could be the biggest sweetheart.  I really saw something better in him.  Sometimes you have to believe it when people indirectly tell you who they really are.  Always remembering Ephesians 6:12, I pray for him daily.  I remember one situation whereas he was being him and doing what he does best and he walked in expecting a confrontation , ( by this time I was praying about everything) I was so peaceful it scared him. I don't think he slept all night but I did.  The next morning he was a wreck. He asked me if I were okay. I gave him a simple yes along with kiss on the cheek and said God got this, so I'm great.  That's my first memory of noticing peace was overcoming me.  I get chills remembering how I felt. Going from arguments with sleepless nights watching him snore like he didn't have a care in the world to sleeping like a baby and waking up happy even though I was still in the midst of my problems.   Although I was no where out of the woods, I felt a comfort like never before. I did not focus any longer on myself , my husband or my marriage, but solely on God. Although my situation was the same and my heart was still ached, I felt different, a good different and still this day I can't exactly describe it. I just felt happiness.  I felt like David in 2 Samuel 22:17-20.

Sometimes the sweetest apple can be so satisfying until you see that spot where a worm has been. You enjoyed it so much but everything changed when you noticed you weren't the only one who enjoyed it and it's no longer any good for you. Attempting to bite the other side, you  really can't enjoy it the same. You can cut the infiltrated  part off but  you still know it was there . So your taste for it changes. But because your were hungry and this apple was satisfying to you it's hard to just throw it out without exploring other options.    Then someone wiser comes along and removes that apple.  You are hurt, probably mad and in disbelief.   Especially when you are given apple seeds and directed  to plant them in a new unknown territory.  So, basically faithful patience of the my future is where I stand following the direction of the light that will produce the soil to multiply my fruit.

To be honest I still love him and hold nothing against him, but so THANKFUL he has been removed from my life. I keep in prayer. God created me with a big heart.


Good night All!

Today I opened my chest just for you. I waited patiently as you took in the view.  The sight of my heart as it pumped fascinated you.  Amazed at it's size brought questions to the mind. How can something the size of  your fist  be the reason life in the body exist? How can something so small be the reason for it all. Then it no longer intrigues you and you walk away never noticing the beats that asked you to stay.  You turn around for a second look not believing what you saw was true.  Smiling at what you felt your eyes were telling you. The selfish thoughts of my heart only beats because of you caused you to dance as you backed away. The look on my face stated that my heart wasn't okay.

Suddenly, it ceased to pump, my mind goes blank while you catch me as my body slumps. Clear ! I hear from some where distant as you send shock waves through my very existence, not to bring me back to life instead to satisfy your pride. Feeling no shame because you enjoy this ride. You assume it's because of you my heart should continue a healthy strive.  I attempt to recover with no avail , continuing to walk by you side as you guide me from happiness to hell and back again. I become tired and worn out but holding on not letting the journey end. Contemplating , what would happen if I just let my heart stop. Agonizing over the thoughts of your past rejections while feeling hopeless  and tired of being neglected.  The darkness is too dark  I can't see a life ahead and the light is to bright, so I close my eyes to the truth. I can't think, my mind goes blank, I just want life to be lived as it should have been,  sharing laughter and love with you as not only my husband but my best friend.

But that's not my story, it's the story I wanted for me.  

Life doesn't always turn in the direction we wish, but we have to push past the difficulty it brings. Believe in God more than we believe in man.  I loved harder than I think I have ever loved in my entire life, All it brought me was heartache, humiliation and pain.  Truth is I allowed it to happen to me, not for any reason other than wanting the love of this man.  I use to feel as though I was so secure with who I was as a woman. I was never the jealous type. I was inspired by other woman who appeared to have it all together. Never judge a book by it's cover.  We all have some insecurity and from time to time its okay to have a face to face reality check with yourself.   Although this was 13 years of my life, it was well worth the lesson of this experience.  Crazy part of it all is I thought I truly knew who I was, but I really didn't know me. lol.  When you go through life trials you really find out who you truly are. I was a fighter, but I gave up at times. I was a strong independent black woman, but I became weak, vulnerable and dependent on the affections of someone else. I handled my business, but I let things go. I walked with my head held high, but I often looked at the ground to avoid people seeing my red eyes from the tears I produced the night before. I was full of life, but I felt I had no more to give at times. I had a strong mind but I wasn't at peace. 

It wasn't until I truly submitted myself and everything I was going through to God that I acquired the peace and joy that I still hold.  Something different happened. I was no longer in the dark, my eyes saw things different, my mind no longer played tricks on me. I knew better. My heart belonged to God and He truly protected it.  I prayed and He answered.  My life is on the path He created for me and in this journey I feel safe. It's not easy by far, nor is everything what I would chose for me, but its not my story , It's the story He has for me and I am so ready for the next chapter. 

For He knows the plans He has for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future   Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all you heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

 

If you would like to email me, you may do so at  essenceoflife.me2@gmail.com