When you look me in my eyes, is there a glimpse or sparkle that begs to be fed lies?
Is there a glare that I possess that screams through the roof , please tell me more and let it be untruths?
Do you prevaricate as a means of escape from the reality of what is really true?
To keep it simple, Are your lies meant to hurt me or hide you?
Does my thoughtfulness and consideration warrant you distorting the truth with utter fabrications?
Are your lies provoked by your fears or do you truly believe your lies bring sweet melody of belief to my ears. There is no answer because your truth are lies and your lies are your truths. Perhaps if you lie prostrate in humility, you will not only find the real you but you might see me.
Being in a marriage with lies became easy over time. It no longer hurt to find out the truth. There was no disbelief in what came next or what was about to happen. When you love someone sometimes you take what they give you , excuse it, forgive it and move on. I did that. I often felt like a utter idiot while holding on to the thought this is my husband and I had to be a wife no matter what. There were times I felt like this would never end and then poof just like that he is back to being this attentive, loving husband leading me to believe the lies and foolishness were well worth going through. But I repeatedly went through this cycle for 13 years. It wasn't normal, but it was my normal. I dealt with it as always anything to keep my marriage together. Don't get me wrong we had some great times and those are the memories that got me through the rough times. I often would think back to the day my aunt told me that I was impatient and never gave anyone a chance. She continued by saying I needed to try something different and open my heart and have patience. To stop running from my problems and stand and fight through. Well, that was before I married and I so regret that I listened to her. I valued her opinion of course and did what she suggested. I kept her words through it all. I often felt like it was my fault life was happening as it was. I often prayed. It seemed like the closer I would get to God the further my husband would get from me. I eventually gave up on God in hopes of having my husband. Stupid I know but everyone has something stupid they've done in life. I still prayed and talked to God, I just backed away from serving Him. My conversations with God soon became on a I need you Lord basis. Things in my marriage would be great for a good six months and then right back to the foolishness. As a woman I felt like nothing most of the time. There were many nights I felt so sick to my stomach with stress. Those were the type of instances I felt the need to give God some time. I knew better , just did not do better. Funny thing looking back on things , God never left me as I did Him. He was still there. In the still of the night I would hear a small voice saying rest you are okay. Being at the place I was in life at that time, I figured it was me subconsciously soothing myself, but knowing what I now know, it was God. I would literally fall asleep and wake up so rejuvenated ready to take on the world. That is until the next thing happened. I was like one of those blow up clown you knock down repeatedly and it just bounce back up. I soon ran out of air and was truly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was on 2 different types of anxiety medications. I remember being so worried about what my husband was doing I actually checked myself out of the hospital. They wanted to keep me overnight due to abnormal EKG. Yes, I was tripping. He on the other hand didn't have a care in the world. I thought I was really going to fall off the edge. Did I mention he was not the only person living a double life. Yes, I lived a double life. I presented myself at work and to others as if there I didn't have care in the world and everything was good, but my insides were ripped to shreds and because I decided to hide the truth I had no one to share my hurt. I had one friend who could see right through me and would encourage me to pray. Well you should already guess I put distance between us. I know, I am shaking my head at myself as I type this, but when you going through and you refuse to seek God, it's like finding your way in total darkness. I stumbled and bumped into walls trying to feel my way through this without the light. I knew only God could get me through but I held on to the memory of when I gave all my time to God , serving Him faithfully , my husband was doing the most and my marriage was becoming so distant. I kept if I was home more none of this would have happened. Yes I know I was so wrong on about 10 different levels, but I can only be honest. Well this brings me to early spring last year, still going through same foolishness after being separated, divorced and remarried (yes I married him twice), separated, again and finally seeking marriage counseling, he told me he did not like this new person I had became. See a year or so before I devoted myself to God, became saved again. I looked to God to in everything no matter what was going on. I decided , sometime in 201,6 I would start 2017 off by getting baptized. Well Sunday evening, January 1, 2017 I got baptized while he entertained a New year's day dinner with friends. Believe it or not it did not bother me one bit , I had a peace like never before come over me. You see this time I chose God because He is the same all day every day. I felt great. I had never been baptized and was so ready to take my faith to another level. You see my new attitude came sometime after the hospital breakout. Due to a praying and faithful friend pulling on me despite my apprehension, talking me through difficult nights, constantly pushing me, laughing with me at my pain and most of all dealing with the repeated conversations about the same thing. Never once did she encourage me to act on her opinion as some situations upset her, but she would encourage me to seek God before I did anything. We would end conversations in prayer. Sometimes she would call me just to say a prayer and hang up. Our main prayer was get him right or remove him. I prayed for God's will to be done. I am so grateful for her. Any way, 2016 I pulled on God, 2017 I was ready to give God my all. Well although my husband didn't say anything, I knew it did not set well with him. He even tried to have me believe that he wanted to do things right and he wanted his family more than anything. Well by this time I had new eyes that I were seeing through and being in the word filled me up so I knew not to waver but instead Keep my eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of my faith. When my husband told me he did not like this new person I had become, I had a gut feeling my storm was coming to an end. I saw things clearer. If I had something or someone to believe in he could no longer control my feelings. This is a man who admitted he didn't love himself and he hated the way he treated me. I told him that makes a lot of sense, because if you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else, but that's his story to tell. I keep him prayer. Eventually God open doors and I walked through them without question or looking back. I did not understand at the time but now that I am on the other side I see it clearer. I was blessed with an apartment which my credit says I should not have. I couldn't help but to wonder how this was going to work with my husband living in the house and me in apartment. The year before when I wanted to moved I couldn't, I was turned down either because of income or credit. I became discouraged and stopped and settled at the thought we will just live in the house together. God works in his time. Praising Him. Long story short , that husband sold the house and vanished out of state. He lied about where he was and I just simply said okay. I have I limited contact meaning I've only heard from him twice via text and email. Thanking God. I'm shouting in my head. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wasn't sure at first because the bible says God despises divorce, but it also states if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave let him go. Glory. I am at peace, although in being honest I have my moments and days but they are truly becoming few and far between. Most of all I still have my peace and joy.
Goodnight.
You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
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