Seven 2

Through it All
Without a Beginning there is no End
Through it All, the good times, the hard times, Still standing strong
And when you do fall, Your Beginning is still there to catch you
Through it All
No Matter what the fight, Hold on to life and dig deep within yourself with all your might and come out Victorious as
Your Beginning would want it to End.
Through it All, you may get Discouraged, Disoriented, Disconnected, Dismay and even Dismissed
But hold strong to the memories of  how your Beginning would bring it to an End with just one Kiss
Through it All
Winter Summer, Spring and Fall , Your Beginning is with you ... Through it All
Without a Beginning there is no End.
J. Essence 2004

We had the home going services for my mother February 14, 2011. I truly didn't know how to feel about that. The selfish part of me thought of how my birthday (she died day before)would never be the same and now Valentine's Day. I had issues, really. I remember thinking of how I needed to get my life back in order. It's not that I wasn't sad  but I just knew all too well how to suppress my emotions (unless it involved my kids) and keep it moving.  Emotions were a sign of weakness to me and I felt I was a very strong person. I allowed myself to feel too many emotions for the past year dealing with my mother's illness and I did not see where it benefited me at all.  Side note- I only shared emotions and affection with my children,  I knew their love for me was the only true and unconditional love in my life.  Right after the funeral we had the repass at my home. My house was so crowded and I was over people. My mom's family wasn't big at all but when you add extended family and friends it becomes too much. I eventually left my own home to go and chill with a friend  and have a few drinks. I was so ready to get back to having fun. I know its sounds selfish and I was, I just did not want to deal with anything but I had this one other issue.  Let's back track a little. Through all the foolishness with my husband I called him the night I found out my mother only have a few hours of life left. I wanted him here with me, he first said he would come but once I stated I did not want it to be about us, he stated he wasn't coming any longer. That tore my insides out but I simply said alright and hung up the phone. My next call to him was the day after my mom services and I don't remember the conversation but it did not end well. I have to be truthful, he did apologize within that conversation for not being there for me and not showing up for funeral. I'm not sure where my mind was but it was that point that I decided I could not do him or this marriage anymore, but I kept it to myself. I had told him some time ago that I could not forgive what he had done and I was tired of all the " friends" translation his concubines. Funny thing up until this point I had dealt with the foolishness of finding out, arguing with him,  then his promises of change and six months later we right there again.  In that exact order. This time I could not erase what I saw, it was literally etched in my brain. So I was not feeling any of the foolishness. Day and day out we continuously discussed the situation over the phone. I felt different this time , I felt completely emotionless and unconcerned. I remember him reasoning with me in every way possible and I just did not care. I was numb. He bluntly told me one day to piss or get off the pot and I did , I divorced him. He pleaded with me not to do it but his arrogance and ego had already gotten the best of him and he signed the papers. I was free but still lost.  I found solace in someone who showed me attention and knew how to laugh (something I really needed at the time, I thought). We partied and fell in love. Yes, I was a completely different person. I just stop caring about everything that didn't involve me.   I have a lot of regret about that time in my life. Now that I think back on it I could have been in  mourning, not sure what I was, I just know I wasn't right. I drank like my mind was bad. There was nothing positive about the people I surrounded myself around. They just knew how to have fun and that's what I needed. I will say I did gain a very good friend out of it. Someone who really had my back. Every now and then in the quiet moments I would say a quick prayer asking God to help me because I knew I wasn't right.  Months went by and I pushed all that I thought were issues in the back of my mind.  A new year rolled in and I lived for the day. I was so wrapped up in me that I did not even notice my daughter was going through her own struggle still with losing her grandmother. I completely shut her out. I mean I didn't abandon her or mistreat her. I just never sat down and talked to her about her feelings or considered the fact that she may need help getting through it.
 This was my wake up call.  I was up. I apologized to her repeatedly. The party was over for me.
I have always been there for her until now. I think I bang my head about that for years to be honest.  Once we talked she revealed how she thought I was so mean to her step-dad as well. I never realized  she heard any of the conversation, but she could only hear my end and yes it was harsh. He was mean spirited and my tongue was lethal. So I could imagine what it sounded like to her. Besides, I never displayed any signs of being hurt by him. So what was she to think. I just apologized for my actions, because of how she felt for him at that time I took the blow. Besides it wasn't right to put children in adult business. So mommy will be the bad guy and let's leave it there. They continued to communicate. Fast forward - Things in my new love life fell off.   I eventually moved to Tennessee and  remarried my husband after he convinced me all the foolishness was behind us. I still loved him. I had no one else to be with. Might as well do what's familiar.  Every time I thought things were going be okay, it was all down hill.   He promised there would be no one else and there wasn't. There were two.   He hid it well as long as he could but once he started turning hateful towards me I knew.  In his words he was stressed  from dealing with his marriage and his outside life. I literally threw his laptop at him and walked out.  I was at a lost.  I blamed myself for trusting him. I felt like the biggest fool in the universe, but I did love him.  He would often tell me I was the love of his life and I believe he really did love me. He just didn't know how to treat me, but nonetheless, things were down hill from there.  He tried so hard to convince me that he was done with his infidelity and I had nothing else to worry about. The only thing that was on my mind is that I was 900 miles away from my friends and family and although his family had a great deal of love for me, I saw it as at the end of the day this is his home town, his family, his friends. I was alone.  That's when my depression started. It seemed everything inside of me was boiling over and I was going to have a nervous breakdown any day and I really had no where to go and no one to turn to.  I still got up everyday put a smile on my face and did what I had to do. I finally found an outlet. I met a friend at work who was not only from Virginia but my hometown and we connected instantly. Our issues with our marriages were similar.  She was refreshing to be around, someone I felt comfortable comparing issues with.  She invited me to a church she visited often. It had been quite sometime since I sat in the presence of God but it was what I needed.  I told my husband about it, thinking maybe this will help us. As it would happen, he was on the  police force with a man who was a pastor. So we visited his church. I enjoyed it but the Mister wasn't really into church so he only went that once with me anyway. As time went on I stopped going and would catch a service in the car and ride around until it was over.  I knew I needed Jesus but it was going to be on my time, or so I thought.  I also knew I could not keep running either.
I tell you if I took any kind of moments to consult with God, Jesus knows I could avoid the messes I end up in.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9      

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it ?   Jeremiah 17:9

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

                                                     
Until tomorrow - Goodnight