Seven 1

 I start this by giving all praises and honor to God. It is through His will that I am able to enter into another year of life.

New year, new resolutions, setting unrealistic goals seeking some type of restitution for the time and pain of my past. Not giving thought to the fact that troubles weren't meant to last.  Looking forward to promises I've made to myself. Forgetting to lean on God who is my present help. Allowing the  ways of world to dictate my steps, bearing  boxes of repeated burdens, tipping over with

 unforgiveness, unhappiness, bitterness and no self worth. Arms so full I am unable to make it through the open door, allowing lack of trust to cement me in place.  My heart is unhappy, my mind is reluctant and my soul is fighting to keep us all together. Plundered by the possibility of judgement due to my inadequacies,but still I moved forward into 2017 and I not only survived but all thanks be to God I still rise.

New Year, No Resolutions, A Year of Divine Perfection 2018

Last year started out rough. I guess it was a continuation of the prior years, but it surely ended in glory.   Yesterday from the opening of my eyes through coming  into the new year was so emotional for  me.  I just realized I have been going through so many trials and tribulations for the past 7 years. I have to honestly say it may have been longer but truthfully before 2011 I was handling everything with no real problem.  My spirit broke in 2011 when my mother passed away and it was a downward spiral from there. My marriage was already not right but like I said it was bearable and I saw possibility of resolution.  But God had something greater for my life and I could not receive it until I humbled myself and brokenness had to take it's course.

My mother and I did not always have the best relationship (due to the behavior on both ends), to be honest I had no clue my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006  nor that she had went into remission and it resurfaced in 2010. We had only spoken once in passing within 3 years prior to her visiting my home in January 2010. I've always loved my mother and she was a good mother but not an affectionate person. I knew she loved me because I lacked nothing and had everything. She was never the one to shower my brother or I with hugs and kisses or random love you's. It was who she was but I knew she loved us. My little sister was truly her love child and I was very fine with that because by this time emotions were not a factor to me. That is something I carried into adult hood.  A another story for another day.  I have always had a good heart and always forgiving to those I love, so my mother asking to stay a couple weeks to spend time with my granddaughter was no issue. I had room and I did miss her.  As February approached she asked to stay longer as she lived in Alabama but she saw doctors in Virginia. I didn't ask questions but told her to stay as long as she needed.  Well to make a long story short that was her last year of life and she chose to spend it with me.  When she finally revealed to me her condition I was blown away. My first thoughts were of all the time I lost being mad and not able to forgive quickly. The senseless arguments. The hardest thing she asked me to do was keep it to myself.  It was hard. I carried the stress of taking care of her in silence not being able to reach out let alone cry out to anyone while maintaining my strength for my kids. I was afraid to let her or my kids see me break down. I couldn't understand why she  had come here to die and most of all why would God allow this to happen.  I did not see the Blessing in it at the time as I do now. I was so consumed with the "worries me", that I did not see that God didn't take her from me, I did that with my  continuous rebellion towards her.  God brought her to me and blessed me with time and closure.  You see my mother had her own issues with my brother  and I, that actually did not start with us. She also did not have a close relationship with her mother. So it was a repeated cycle. Glory be to God my daughter and I have broken that cycle.  There were things she struggled with in her life that poured over into our relationship and because I was so much like her we could not see eye to eye. After months of stressing the situation, not one time consulting with God, I finally called my aunt  in December 2010 who knew of the breast cancer but had no knowledge the cancer resurfaced. She immediately agreed to help as my mother grew sicker very quickly. My aunt moved in my house the day I called her no reservations.  Side note July of 2010 I found a video of my husband having sex with another woman. I asked him to leave because I could not deal with both issues at that time. Luckily the Memphis police department had just sent him an acceptance letter and he had to leave immediately. God has always kept me even when I didn't know.  But I will say he continued to help pay for the cost of my mother's chemo that her insurance did not cover, for that I was thankful. That too is another story just wanted to give you an ideal of my stress level. Well it seemed that in October my mother was told she only had a few months and being the private person she was she chose not to share that information with anyone until she told me after Christmas. I really I could not take one more thing. I called my sister who lived in Ohio at the time and whom I hadn't spoken to in 4 years (Yes, when you pissed me off I was surely to cut you off), told her what was going on and asked her to come and stay with me to spend time with our mother as well. She declined several times stating she speaks to our mother on a regular basis and she states everything is fine.  I was beside myself with frustration but I couldn't break down. I remember asking my mother why did you come here, what did I do now to deserve this? Her reply blew me away. She said out of all my children I knew you were strong enough to handle it. I was speechless. We began to talk and she opened up to me that when she married my father it was to get away from her mother and she wasn't ready to have children and she really despised my father after they married. Myself and my brother  were a continuous reminder of him. So she loved us of course but allowing us to feel that love was another story.   We had closure.  My mother went into the hospital January 23, 2011. I finally got my sister there February 8, 2011 and my mom died February 9, 2011 the day before my birthday.  I remember having our last debate ( I smile every time I think of it), she refused any more pain medicines she wanted to go peacefully. In her deliriousness at least I thought she was, she said I want to go home, I said mom you can't go home she looked me straight in the eyes and said Johnny you do not tell me what to do. She laid eyes on my sister  after that, smiled and took her last breathe. I did not morn that year at all. I was sad but for some reason I could not cry. I remember thanking God for the first time in this whole ordeal because we were able to make peace before she passed.     His Grace has surely been with me.

Time waits for no one and no one should wait on time. Forgive and Love every chance you get. There is no disagreement worth me missing time in life.  Even my enemies are forgiven immediately.  I realized my mother could have passed without me ever having the opportunity to let her know how much I love her or even worst I could have carried the burden of no resolve until my death if we never had that moment.

Yes, You will suffer for a short time. But after that God will make everything right. He will make you strong. He will support you and keep you from falling.  He is the God who gives all grace. He chose you to share in his glory in Christ. That glory will continue forever.  1 Peter 5:10

Wisdom is everything.
Thanks  B. Malena for your words of Wisdom it was truly an inspiration.

Happy New Year!