Lies to Life

 When you look me in my eyes, is there a glimpse or sparkle that begs to be fed lies?

Is there a glare that I possess that screams through the roof , please tell me more and let it be  untruths?

Do you prevaricate as a means of escape from the reality of what is really true? 

To keep it simple, Are your lies meant to hurt me or hide you? 

Does my thoughtfulness and consideration  warrant you distorting the truth with utter fabrications?

  Are your lies provoked by your fears or do you truly believe your lies bring sweet melody of belief to my ears.     There is no answer because your truth are lies and your lies are your truths. Perhaps if you lie prostrate in humility, you will not only find the real you but you might see me. 

Being in a marriage with lies became easy over time. It no longer hurt to find out the truth. There was no disbelief in what came next or what was about to happen. When you love someone sometimes you take what they give you , excuse it, forgive it and move on. I did that.  I often felt like a utter idiot while holding on to the thought this is my husband and I had to be a wife no matter what.  There were times I felt like this would never end and then poof just like that he is back to being this attentive, loving husband leading me to believe the lies  and foolishness were well worth going through.  But I repeatedly went through this cycle for 13 years. It wasn't normal, but it was my normal. I dealt with it as always anything to keep my marriage together. Don't get me wrong we had some great times and those are the memories that got me through the rough times.  I often would think back to the day my aunt told me that I was impatient and never gave anyone a chance. She continued by saying I needed to try something different and open my heart and have patience. To stop running from my problems and stand and fight through.  Well, that was before I married and I so regret that I listened to her. I valued her opinion of course and did what she suggested.  I kept her words through it all. I often felt like it was my fault life was happening as it was. I often prayed. It seemed like the closer I would get to God the further my husband would get from me. I eventually gave up on God in hopes of having my husband. Stupid I know but everyone has something stupid they've done in life.  I still prayed and talked to God, I just backed away from serving Him. My conversations with God soon became on a I need you Lord basis.  Things in my marriage would be great for a good six months and then right back to the foolishness. As a woman I felt like nothing most of the time. There were many nights I felt so sick to my stomach with stress. Those were the type of instances I felt the need to give God some time. I knew better , just did not do better.  Funny thing looking back on things ,  God never left me as I did Him.  He was still there. In the still of the night I would hear a small voice saying rest you are okay. Being at the place I was in life at that time, I figured it was me subconsciously soothing myself, but knowing what I now know, it was God. I would literally fall asleep and wake up so rejuvenated ready to take on the world.  That is until the next thing happened. I was like one of those blow up clown you knock down repeatedly and it just bounce back up. I soon ran out of air and was truly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was on 2 different types of anxiety medications. I remember being so worried about what my husband was doing I actually checked myself out of the hospital. They wanted to keep me overnight due to abnormal EKG. Yes, I was tripping. He on the other hand didn't have a care in the world. I thought I was really going to fall off the edge. Did I mention he was not the only person living a double life. Yes, I lived a double life. I presented myself at work and to others as if there I didn't have care in the world and everything was good, but my insides were ripped to shreds and because I decided to hide the truth I had no one to share my hurt.  I had one friend who could see right through me and would encourage me to pray. Well you should already guess I put distance between us.  I know, I am shaking my head at myself as I type this, but when you going through and you refuse to seek God, it's like finding your way in total darkness. I stumbled and bumped into walls trying to feel my way through this without the light.  I knew only God could get me through but I held on to the memory of when I gave all my time to God , serving Him faithfully , my husband was doing the most and my marriage was becoming so distant. I kept if I was home more none of this would have happened.  Yes I know I was so wrong on about 10 different levels, but I can only be honest.   Well this brings me to early spring last year, still going through same foolishness after being separated, divorced and remarried (yes I married him twice), separated, again and finally seeking marriage counseling,  he told me he did not like this new person I had became. See a year or so before I devoted myself to God, became saved again. I looked to God to in everything no matter what was going on. I decided , sometime in 201,6 I would start 2017 off by getting baptized.  Well Sunday evening, January 1, 2017 I got baptized while he entertained a New year's day dinner with friends.  Believe it or not it did not bother me one bit , I had a peace like never before come over me. You see this time I chose God because He is the same all day every day.  I felt great. I had never been baptized and was so ready to take my faith to another level. You see my new attitude came sometime after the hospital breakout.  Due to a praying and faithful friend pulling on me despite my apprehension, talking me through difficult nights, constantly pushing me, laughing with me at my pain and most of all dealing with the repeated conversations about the same thing. Never once did she encourage me to act on her opinion as some situations upset her, but she would encourage me to seek God before I did anything. We would end conversations in prayer.  Sometimes she would call me just to say a prayer and hang up.  Our main prayer was get him right or remove him.  I prayed for God's will to be done. I am so grateful for her.  Any way, 2016 I pulled on God, 2017 I was ready to give God my all. Well although my husband didn't say anything, I knew it did not set well with him. He even tried to have me  believe that he wanted to do things right and he wanted his family more than anything.  Well by this time I had new eyes that I were seeing through and being in the word filled me up so I knew not to waver but instead Keep my eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of my faith.  When my husband told me he did not like this new person I had become, I had a gut feeling my storm was coming to an end. I saw things clearer. If I had something or someone to believe in he could no longer control my feelings.  This is a man who admitted he didn't love himself and he hated the way he treated me. I told him that makes a lot of sense, because if you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else, but that's his story to tell. I keep him prayer.  Eventually God open doors and I walked through them without question or looking back. I did not understand at the time but now that I am on the other side I see it clearer.   I was blessed with an apartment which my credit says I should not have. I couldn't help but to wonder how this was going to work with my husband living in the house and me in apartment. The year before when I wanted to moved I couldn't, I was turned down either because of income or credit. I became discouraged and stopped and settled at the thought we will just live in the house together.  God works in his time. Praising Him.  Long story short , that husband  sold the house and vanished out of state. He lied about where he was and I just simply said okay.  I have I limited contact meaning I've only heard from him twice via text and email.  Thanking God. I'm shouting in my head.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I wasn't sure at first because  the bible says God despises divorce, but it also states if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave let him go. Glory. I am at peace, although in being honest I have my moments and days but they are truly  becoming few and far between. Most of all I still have my peace and joy.   

Goodnight.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in you.  Isaiah 26:3

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.   Philippians 4:6 

I AM A BLACK WOMAN

Do you fear me? Or is it because of my power & knowledge you stand clear of me?

Tell me, How do you see me. 

Is it ... Sitting at home in the projects collecting a check, producing kids with no father in sight, giving my money to my man, using public transportation, looking for an argument or fight.  Feeling suffocated by my own walls, waiting for that call for a better life. Unable to understand my emancipation because of my lack of education. Blinded by oppression not able to see why I should be treated better by society because I am ME.

Or is it ...

On drugs sexing thugs for a little love or a hit of that good splift to drown me in my sorrows, no hope for tomorrow, looking at my babies wonder what's next...

Oh it's the first of the month and I should cheer up up and be happy because you gave me a check..

I don't think so.

 You see My Powers run strong and my Knowledge runs deep, even while you sleep on me. I am a Black Woman, doing what you don't expect of me. A nice home in the suburbs, a degree, a father that loves his children and adores me. Everything you weren't prepared to see when you saw me. 

So tell me, is the fear that you display because you will never be me?  

Beware and Learn to Acknowledge the Consequences of my Knowledge!!!!

I was cleaning some things out for the new year and I came across this poem I wrote in 1998.

Be Blessed All.

Seven 2

Through it All
Without a Beginning there is no End
Through it All, the good times, the hard times, Still standing strong
And when you do fall, Your Beginning is still there to catch you
Through it All
No Matter what the fight, Hold on to life and dig deep within yourself with all your might and come out Victorious as
Your Beginning would want it to End.
Through it All, you may get Discouraged, Disoriented, Disconnected, Dismay and even Dismissed
But hold strong to the memories of  how your Beginning would bring it to an End with just one Kiss
Through it All
Winter Summer, Spring and Fall , Your Beginning is with you ... Through it All
Without a Beginning there is no End.
J. Essence 2004

We had the home going services for my mother February 14, 2011. I truly didn't know how to feel about that. The selfish part of me thought of how my birthday (she died day before)would never be the same and now Valentine's Day. I had issues, really. I remember thinking of how I needed to get my life back in order. It's not that I wasn't sad  but I just knew all too well how to suppress my emotions (unless it involved my kids) and keep it moving.  Emotions were a sign of weakness to me and I felt I was a very strong person. I allowed myself to feel too many emotions for the past year dealing with my mother's illness and I did not see where it benefited me at all.  Side note- I only shared emotions and affection with my children,  I knew their love for me was the only true and unconditional love in my life.  Right after the funeral we had the repass at my home. My house was so crowded and I was over people. My mom's family wasn't big at all but when you add extended family and friends it becomes too much. I eventually left my own home to go and chill with a friend  and have a few drinks. I was so ready to get back to having fun. I know its sounds selfish and I was, I just did not want to deal with anything but I had this one other issue.  Let's back track a little. Through all the foolishness with my husband I called him the night I found out my mother only have a few hours of life left. I wanted him here with me, he first said he would come but once I stated I did not want it to be about us, he stated he wasn't coming any longer. That tore my insides out but I simply said alright and hung up the phone. My next call to him was the day after my mom services and I don't remember the conversation but it did not end well. I have to be truthful, he did apologize within that conversation for not being there for me and not showing up for funeral. I'm not sure where my mind was but it was that point that I decided I could not do him or this marriage anymore, but I kept it to myself. I had told him some time ago that I could not forgive what he had done and I was tired of all the " friends" translation his concubines. Funny thing up until this point I had dealt with the foolishness of finding out, arguing with him,  then his promises of change and six months later we right there again.  In that exact order. This time I could not erase what I saw, it was literally etched in my brain. So I was not feeling any of the foolishness. Day and day out we continuously discussed the situation over the phone. I felt different this time , I felt completely emotionless and unconcerned. I remember him reasoning with me in every way possible and I just did not care. I was numb. He bluntly told me one day to piss or get off the pot and I did , I divorced him. He pleaded with me not to do it but his arrogance and ego had already gotten the best of him and he signed the papers. I was free but still lost.  I found solace in someone who showed me attention and knew how to laugh (something I really needed at the time, I thought). We partied and fell in love. Yes, I was a completely different person. I just stop caring about everything that didn't involve me.   I have a lot of regret about that time in my life. Now that I think back on it I could have been in  mourning, not sure what I was, I just know I wasn't right. I drank like my mind was bad. There was nothing positive about the people I surrounded myself around. They just knew how to have fun and that's what I needed. I will say I did gain a very good friend out of it. Someone who really had my back. Every now and then in the quiet moments I would say a quick prayer asking God to help me because I knew I wasn't right.  Months went by and I pushed all that I thought were issues in the back of my mind.  A new year rolled in and I lived for the day. I was so wrapped up in me that I did not even notice my daughter was going through her own struggle still with losing her grandmother. I completely shut her out. I mean I didn't abandon her or mistreat her. I just never sat down and talked to her about her feelings or considered the fact that she may need help getting through it.
 This was my wake up call.  I was up. I apologized to her repeatedly. The party was over for me.
I have always been there for her until now. I think I bang my head about that for years to be honest.  Once we talked she revealed how she thought I was so mean to her step-dad as well. I never realized  she heard any of the conversation, but she could only hear my end and yes it was harsh. He was mean spirited and my tongue was lethal. So I could imagine what it sounded like to her. Besides, I never displayed any signs of being hurt by him. So what was she to think. I just apologized for my actions, because of how she felt for him at that time I took the blow. Besides it wasn't right to put children in adult business. So mommy will be the bad guy and let's leave it there. They continued to communicate. Fast forward - Things in my new love life fell off.   I eventually moved to Tennessee and  remarried my husband after he convinced me all the foolishness was behind us. I still loved him. I had no one else to be with. Might as well do what's familiar.  Every time I thought things were going be okay, it was all down hill.   He promised there would be no one else and there wasn't. There were two.   He hid it well as long as he could but once he started turning hateful towards me I knew.  In his words he was stressed  from dealing with his marriage and his outside life. I literally threw his laptop at him and walked out.  I was at a lost.  I blamed myself for trusting him. I felt like the biggest fool in the universe, but I did love him.  He would often tell me I was the love of his life and I believe he really did love me. He just didn't know how to treat me, but nonetheless, things were down hill from there.  He tried so hard to convince me that he was done with his infidelity and I had nothing else to worry about. The only thing that was on my mind is that I was 900 miles away from my friends and family and although his family had a great deal of love for me, I saw it as at the end of the day this is his home town, his family, his friends. I was alone.  That's when my depression started. It seemed everything inside of me was boiling over and I was going to have a nervous breakdown any day and I really had no where to go and no one to turn to.  I still got up everyday put a smile on my face and did what I had to do. I finally found an outlet. I met a friend at work who was not only from Virginia but my hometown and we connected instantly. Our issues with our marriages were similar.  She was refreshing to be around, someone I felt comfortable comparing issues with.  She invited me to a church she visited often. It had been quite sometime since I sat in the presence of God but it was what I needed.  I told my husband about it, thinking maybe this will help us. As it would happen, he was on the  police force with a man who was a pastor. So we visited his church. I enjoyed it but the Mister wasn't really into church so he only went that once with me anyway. As time went on I stopped going and would catch a service in the car and ride around until it was over.  I knew I needed Jesus but it was going to be on my time, or so I thought.  I also knew I could not keep running either.
I tell you if I took any kind of moments to consult with God, Jesus knows I could avoid the messes I end up in.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9      

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it ?   Jeremiah 17:9

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

                                                     
Until tomorrow - Goodnight

Seven 1

 I start this by giving all praises and honor to God. It is through His will that I am able to enter into another year of life.

New year, new resolutions, setting unrealistic goals seeking some type of restitution for the time and pain of my past. Not giving thought to the fact that troubles weren't meant to last.  Looking forward to promises I've made to myself. Forgetting to lean on God who is my present help. Allowing the  ways of world to dictate my steps, bearing  boxes of repeated burdens, tipping over with

 unforgiveness, unhappiness, bitterness and no self worth. Arms so full I am unable to make it through the open door, allowing lack of trust to cement me in place.  My heart is unhappy, my mind is reluctant and my soul is fighting to keep us all together. Plundered by the possibility of judgement due to my inadequacies,but still I moved forward into 2017 and I not only survived but all thanks be to God I still rise.

New Year, No Resolutions, A Year of Divine Perfection 2018

Last year started out rough. I guess it was a continuation of the prior years, but it surely ended in glory.   Yesterday from the opening of my eyes through coming  into the new year was so emotional for  me.  I just realized I have been going through so many trials and tribulations for the past 7 years. I have to honestly say it may have been longer but truthfully before 2011 I was handling everything with no real problem.  My spirit broke in 2011 when my mother passed away and it was a downward spiral from there. My marriage was already not right but like I said it was bearable and I saw possibility of resolution.  But God had something greater for my life and I could not receive it until I humbled myself and brokenness had to take it's course.

My mother and I did not always have the best relationship (due to the behavior on both ends), to be honest I had no clue my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006  nor that she had went into remission and it resurfaced in 2010. We had only spoken once in passing within 3 years prior to her visiting my home in January 2010. I've always loved my mother and she was a good mother but not an affectionate person. I knew she loved me because I lacked nothing and had everything. She was never the one to shower my brother or I with hugs and kisses or random love you's. It was who she was but I knew she loved us. My little sister was truly her love child and I was very fine with that because by this time emotions were not a factor to me. That is something I carried into adult hood.  A another story for another day.  I have always had a good heart and always forgiving to those I love, so my mother asking to stay a couple weeks to spend time with my granddaughter was no issue. I had room and I did miss her.  As February approached she asked to stay longer as she lived in Alabama but she saw doctors in Virginia. I didn't ask questions but told her to stay as long as she needed.  Well to make a long story short that was her last year of life and she chose to spend it with me.  When she finally revealed to me her condition I was blown away. My first thoughts were of all the time I lost being mad and not able to forgive quickly. The senseless arguments. The hardest thing she asked me to do was keep it to myself.  It was hard. I carried the stress of taking care of her in silence not being able to reach out let alone cry out to anyone while maintaining my strength for my kids. I was afraid to let her or my kids see me break down. I couldn't understand why she  had come here to die and most of all why would God allow this to happen.  I did not see the Blessing in it at the time as I do now. I was so consumed with the "worries me", that I did not see that God didn't take her from me, I did that with my  continuous rebellion towards her.  God brought her to me and blessed me with time and closure.  You see my mother had her own issues with my brother  and I, that actually did not start with us. She also did not have a close relationship with her mother. So it was a repeated cycle. Glory be to God my daughter and I have broken that cycle.  There were things she struggled with in her life that poured over into our relationship and because I was so much like her we could not see eye to eye. After months of stressing the situation, not one time consulting with God, I finally called my aunt  in December 2010 who knew of the breast cancer but had no knowledge the cancer resurfaced. She immediately agreed to help as my mother grew sicker very quickly. My aunt moved in my house the day I called her no reservations.  Side note July of 2010 I found a video of my husband having sex with another woman. I asked him to leave because I could not deal with both issues at that time. Luckily the Memphis police department had just sent him an acceptance letter and he had to leave immediately. God has always kept me even when I didn't know.  But I will say he continued to help pay for the cost of my mother's chemo that her insurance did not cover, for that I was thankful. That too is another story just wanted to give you an ideal of my stress level. Well it seemed that in October my mother was told she only had a few months and being the private person she was she chose not to share that information with anyone until she told me after Christmas. I really I could not take one more thing. I called my sister who lived in Ohio at the time and whom I hadn't spoken to in 4 years (Yes, when you pissed me off I was surely to cut you off), told her what was going on and asked her to come and stay with me to spend time with our mother as well. She declined several times stating she speaks to our mother on a regular basis and she states everything is fine.  I was beside myself with frustration but I couldn't break down. I remember asking my mother why did you come here, what did I do now to deserve this? Her reply blew me away. She said out of all my children I knew you were strong enough to handle it. I was speechless. We began to talk and she opened up to me that when she married my father it was to get away from her mother and she wasn't ready to have children and she really despised my father after they married. Myself and my brother  were a continuous reminder of him. So she loved us of course but allowing us to feel that love was another story.   We had closure.  My mother went into the hospital January 23, 2011. I finally got my sister there February 8, 2011 and my mom died February 9, 2011 the day before my birthday.  I remember having our last debate ( I smile every time I think of it), she refused any more pain medicines she wanted to go peacefully. In her deliriousness at least I thought she was, she said I want to go home, I said mom you can't go home she looked me straight in the eyes and said Johnny you do not tell me what to do. She laid eyes on my sister  after that, smiled and took her last breathe. I did not morn that year at all. I was sad but for some reason I could not cry. I remember thanking God for the first time in this whole ordeal because we were able to make peace before she passed.     His Grace has surely been with me.

Time waits for no one and no one should wait on time. Forgive and Love every chance you get. There is no disagreement worth me missing time in life.  Even my enemies are forgiven immediately.  I realized my mother could have passed without me ever having the opportunity to let her know how much I love her or even worst I could have carried the burden of no resolve until my death if we never had that moment.

Yes, You will suffer for a short time. But after that God will make everything right. He will make you strong. He will support you and keep you from falling.  He is the God who gives all grace. He chose you to share in his glory in Christ. That glory will continue forever.  1 Peter 5:10

Wisdom is everything.
Thanks  B. Malena for your words of Wisdom it was truly an inspiration.

Happy New Year!