Hurdles are meant to be jumped

When I first decided to create this blog it was to share my day to day experience of getting through a rough time in my life.   A way of helping others through my experiences while healing my wounds. It seemed simple in thought but when  I was faced with the actual task of exposing my intimate feelings and thoughts it no longer seemed to be a simple thing to do.  I wasn't certain of the level of courage I held knowing it would take much more than I probably had in me.  I suddenly had to check myself, " Greater is He that is in Me".  It seemed as though the more I became serious about this blog the greater the distractions.  I really believe that my inner self wishes not to bring back the feelings of hurt and pain I felt, emotions that were never resolved or addressed but suppressed in order to move on and get through the day. Resolution is now key and courage is mandatory to turn my mess into a message.

Being a somewhat private person, I felt the need to face all adversity alone behind closed doors never exposing my upsets, failures, flaws and hurts. I adjusted to crying behind the closed curtains of my shower allowing my tears to blend in with the hot water in hopes of washing away the pain my heart felt, even if it was temporary.  Always doubting that anyone would understand what I was going through while often hating myself for being so stupid and putting up with the foolishness.  Afraid to really share my feelings, not wanting to be labeled less of  woman as I often felt or maybe dismissing my pain as dramatics and being judged as just another stupid chic. Especially since I strongly believed  fighting for my family.   My biggest mistake was allowing him to confuse "me trying to make my marriage work" for "me needing him".  No matter what he was to me I was determined to be a wife until I wasn't anymore.   He constantly told me as well as others how he loved me so much. I now laugh at that. I wondered  what if anything he really knew about love. You love me. Really????

 I constantly asked myself, how can a person profess to love you  but constantly disrespect you.  Am I not worthy of being truly loved by the person I love. It took years and a lot of praying to get the answer to that question.  How can a person truly love you when he doesn't even love himself ? If a person doesn't value his own self worth, how can he find you worthy?  If a person beats himself down where does he get the strength to lift you up?  So basically I was dealing with a prideful person with low self esteem who felt the need to belittle me to validate himself.   I often prayed that God would get him through his insecurities in hopes he would be a better person for both our sakes.  I remember getting to my lowest point but Thanks be to God I may be down for a moment but through HIS strength I did not only rise but I continue to shine. My journey wasn't short nor was it easy and there were plenty of days I wanted to just give up but a whisper on the inside of me was repeatedly saying "just hold on and continue to move forth. And I did. 

So, I shall follow those words still and  I will begin to faithfully post in hopes my story encourages at least one person.

Until tomorrow... Blessings.

I leave you with this:

You have already won the victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

1 John 4:4