Confidence doesn’t dismiss insecurity and Flawless doesn’t make you fearless.   If you turn me outside in, will my actions still be the same. No, I didn’t say it backwards, it’s exactly what I meant.  Oh, my outside is like a beautiful flower that has just blossomed with the scent of a cool spring morning. My make-up flawless, thanks to MAC, the lipstick seems to bring my gorgeous smile to life.  My tantalizing curves accent my clothing. My walk, well let’s just say when I walk past a mirror or store window, even I can’t turn away from me. Fierce is a mere understatement of what you see, on the outside of me. You smile at the confidence you see in me. The simple-minded thoughts of believing a hug or kiss would be the root of my forgiveness. Oblivious to the inner pain caused by  actions against me has yet to disappear nor everything I was taken through while I held steadfast to hope but living in fear. Really, I should smile and count my blessings that I have you...with the hurt I hold on the inside while you walk around with total disregard for my pain.  Pain you caused but dare not take the blame.  Unbreakable chains?  When I present awareness, you display ignorance turning your head as my tears began to flow like heavy rains. You force yourself to become detached to the words I shout of how the hurt of my insides coming out causes intolerable and unbearable pain and because it’s on the inside you walk away. Leaving my heart in dismay. You know it’s there but because you can’t see it, your mind causes you not to care.   Therefore, since my outside is flawless and fearless it will be okay on the inside. Now the question is if my inside comes out will you be ready because it’s not so beautiful, it's not so fierce nor is it a glamorous sight , it's just the bitterness of hurt is ready to fight.  J. Essence 12.7.17

I never imagine one person or situation could disrupt my life to the point I no longer knew who I was or held no desire to believe there was more to life.  I now understand there is not one part of my life that hasn’t happened for a reason. Surprisingly, I have learned that every hurt, failure, setback, and disappointment experienced was simply a tool building me into the person I was destined to become. I could no longer hold blame or unforgiveness towards others or even myself. I simply learned to view my life as a workout. I was being whipped in shape, physically, mentally and spiritually. For example, every rejection became a 5lb weight, stab in back 10lbs., failure 25lb. I think you understand my point. Each weight caused me to transform, but when I did nothing, it weighed me down. It cut off my circulation, while causing me to believe this is it and there is nothing more I could do to better the situation, myself or life.  I didn’t always have the knowledge of how to circumvent the obstacle that swayed my way, but eventually I became stronger.  Strength and understanding came with each weight I lifted. Granted this did not stop the weights from coming. I now knew I had options and most importantly, I did not and could not do it alone. See the funny thing about it all is I’ve always felt like If I didn’t take care of me nobody else would. Truth is, I never had to worry about that in the first place. I was in my own way, and baby when you move out the way and believe… God steps in and life happens.  As I share my journey I promote healing not just for myself but those who look in the mirror and see me.