A place of Peace
I had a discussion with a great friend tonight that forced my memories to drift back on thoughts of when I felt I was at a very low point in my life. I remember thinking how awesome God could be as He had shown me a mere glimpse of what faithfulness could bring forth. I had a somewhat on and off type of faith. I knew God could do all things but I also felt as though if I wanted it done I had to make it happen. I was tired of being lonely, disrespected and humiliated as if I was worthless all for the sake of fighting for something I believed was meant to be. I was so confused with my life and myself. I had done things and went down paths I should not have because the timing was inappropriate. I knew better but couldn't or wouldn't do better, not in my own strength. I was honest with everyone else but myself. I was dealing with a marriage of 9 years with a man that claimed me to be the love of his life, but indulged in affair after affair. I couldn't and still can't fully explain why I stayed. Did I believe he loved me? Yes, I did but the true questions is how much did I love myself ? I guess we all go through the unbelievable at some point in life but it's how you come out of it and what you take from it that means the most. My self esteem hit an all time low. I spent most nights in tears and depressed, but sure as daylight comes in the morning, I would get up put on my smile and look my best. I was taught to never look like what you are going through. The world never saw my pain. I was only transparent with the one friend I trusted the most, that I knew would not judge me or talk about me behind my back but instead would chastise me and then pray with and for me. Although my smile was bright on the outside my insides were sick. Stress and worry consumed me. My thoughts were sometimes irrational. How could one person have so much control over another. I literally felt as though I had no self worth. I can't remember when it happened but at some point I convinced my self this is my new normal and began to settle in it. But I still prayed for a better life. I read the word but I did not know the word.
I had a discussion with a great friend tonight that forced my memories to drift back on thoughts of when I felt I was at a very low point in my life. I remember thinking how awesome God could be as He had shown me a mere glimpse of what faithfulness could bring forth. I had a somewhat on and off type of faith. I knew God could do all things but I also felt as though if I wanted it done I had to make it happen. I was tired of being lonely, disrespected and humiliated as if I was worthless all for the sake of fighting for something I believed was meant to be. I was so confused with my life and myself. I had done things and went down paths I should not have because the timing was inappropriate. I knew better but couldn't or wouldn't do better, not in my own strength. I was honest with everyone else but myself. I was dealing with a marriage of 9 years with a man that claimed me to be the love of his life, but indulged in affair after affair. I couldn't and still can't fully explain why I stayed. Did I believe he loved me? Yes, I did but the true questions is how much did I love myself ? I guess we all go through the unbelievable at some point in life but it's how you come out of it and what you take from it that means the most. My self esteem hit an all time low. I spent most nights in tears and depressed, but sure as daylight comes in the morning, I would get up put on my smile and look my best. I was taught to never look like what you are going through. The world never saw my pain. I was only transparent with the one friend I trusted the most, that I knew would not judge me or talk about me behind my back but instead would chastise me and then pray with and for me. Although my smile was bright on the outside my insides were sick. Stress and worry consumed me. My thoughts were sometimes irrational. How could one person have so much control over another. I literally felt as though I had no self worth. I can't remember when it happened but at some point I convinced my self this is my new normal and began to settle in it. But I still prayed for a better life. I read the word but I did not know the word.
I became so focused on doing what I believed was the right thing to do according to the will of God that I forgot to consult with God. I remember watching the movie War Room. I went straight home after the movie and removed my clothes from the walk-in closet and set up my own prayer room. I soon began to spend a lot of time in that closet. It was my feel good space. I sat and spoke to God and recited prayers I had written. I placed scriptures up that reminded me who I really was and to whom I really belonged. It had become my go to place. I no longer cried in the shower now I had a new place for my pain. I found my place of peace. I became so engrossed in the word of God. I was on a mission. I would laugh sometimes because my husband would say hurtful things or act mean- spirited, normally I would go toe to toe and match whatever he put out, but I started simply going in my closet and when I reappeared my attitude was different. My smile was brighter. I had no words or reaction to his actions. He began to believe I was plotting to hurt him. Not at all! God was working something in me and I felt it with each passing day. What I did not mention is when I first started going in my prayer room/closet, I surrendered totally and completely to God and I gave Him this situation because it was much too much for me to carry. I believed and trusted Him with my life. I put my life where it should have been in the first place. This by all means did not end my struggle but it was the start to my peace.
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 2 Thessalonians 3:16
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillippians 4:7
The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3
Good night and God Bless
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 2 Thessalonians 3:16
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillippians 4:7
The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3
Good night and God Bless
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