A place of Peace

I  had a discussion with a great friend tonight that forced my memories to drift back on thoughts of when I felt I was at a very low point in my life. I remember thinking how awesome God could be as He had shown me a mere glimpse of what faithfulness could bring forth. I had a somewhat on and off type of faith. I knew God could do all things but I also felt as though if I wanted it done I had to make it happen.  I was tired of being lonely, disrespected and humiliated as if I was worthless all for the sake of fighting for something I believed was meant to be. I was so confused with my life and myself. I had done things and went down paths I should not have because the timing was inappropriate. I knew better but couldn't or wouldn't do better, not in my own strength. I was honest with everyone else but myself.  I was dealing with a marriage of 9 years with a man that claimed me to be the love of his life, but indulged in affair after affair. I couldn't and still can't fully explain why I stayed. Did I believe he loved me? Yes, I did but the true questions is how much did I love myself ? I guess we all go through the unbelievable at some point in life but it's how you come out of it and what you take from it that means the most.  My self esteem hit an all time low. I spent most nights in tears and depressed, but sure as daylight comes in the morning, I would get up put on my smile and look my best.  I was taught to never look like what you are going through.  The world never saw my pain. I was only transparent with the one friend I  trusted the most, that I knew would not judge me or talk about me behind my back but instead would chastise me and then pray with and for me.  Although my smile was bright on the outside my insides were sick. Stress and worry consumed me. My thoughts were sometimes irrational. How could one person have so much control over another. I literally felt as though I had no self worth. I can't remember when it happened but at some point I convinced my self this is my new normal and began to settle in it. But I still prayed for a better life.  I read the word but I did not know the word. 

I became so focused on doing what I believed was the right thing to do according to the will of God that I forgot to consult with God.  I remember watching the movie War Room.  I went straight home after the movie and removed my clothes from the walk-in closet and set up my own prayer room.  I soon began to spend a lot of time in that closet. It was my feel good space. I sat and spoke to God and recited prayers I had written. I placed scriptures up that reminded me who I really was and to whom I really belonged.  It had become my go to place. I no longer cried in the shower now I had a new place for my pain. I found my place of peace. I became so engrossed in the word of God. I was on a mission. I would laugh sometimes because my husband would say hurtful things or act mean- spirited, normally I would go toe to toe and match whatever he put out, but I started simply going in my closet and when I reappeared my attitude was different. My smile was brighter. I had no words or reaction to his actions. He began to believe I was plotting to hurt him. Not at all!  God was working something in me and I felt it with each passing day.  What I did not mention is when I first started going in my prayer room/closet, I surrendered totally and completely to God and I gave Him this situation because it was much too much for me to carry.  I believed and trusted Him with my life. I put my life where it should have been in the first place. This by all means did not end my struggle but it was the start to my peace. 
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.  2 Thessalonians 3:16

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.    Phillippians 4:7

The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace.    Psalm 29:11

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

Good night and God Bless

Hurdles are meant to be jumped

When I first decided to create this blog it was to share my day to day experience of getting through a rough time in my life.   A way of helping others through my experiences while healing my wounds. It seemed simple in thought but when  I was faced with the actual task of exposing my intimate feelings and thoughts it no longer seemed to be a simple thing to do.  I wasn't certain of the level of courage I held knowing it would take much more than I probably had in me.  I suddenly had to check myself, " Greater is He that is in Me".  It seemed as though the more I became serious about this blog the greater the distractions.  I really believe that my inner self wishes not to bring back the feelings of hurt and pain I felt, emotions that were never resolved or addressed but suppressed in order to move on and get through the day. Resolution is now key and courage is mandatory to turn my mess into a message.

Being a somewhat private person, I felt the need to face all adversity alone behind closed doors never exposing my upsets, failures, flaws and hurts. I adjusted to crying behind the closed curtains of my shower allowing my tears to blend in with the hot water in hopes of washing away the pain my heart felt, even if it was temporary.  Always doubting that anyone would understand what I was going through while often hating myself for being so stupid and putting up with the foolishness.  Afraid to really share my feelings, not wanting to be labeled less of  woman as I often felt or maybe dismissing my pain as dramatics and being judged as just another stupid chic. Especially since I strongly believed  fighting for my family.   My biggest mistake was allowing him to confuse "me trying to make my marriage work" for "me needing him".  No matter what he was to me I was determined to be a wife until I wasn't anymore.   He constantly told me as well as others how he loved me so much. I now laugh at that. I wondered  what if anything he really knew about love. You love me. Really????

 I constantly asked myself, how can a person profess to love you  but constantly disrespect you.  Am I not worthy of being truly loved by the person I love. It took years and a lot of praying to get the answer to that question.  How can a person truly love you when he doesn't even love himself ? If a person doesn't value his own self worth, how can he find you worthy?  If a person beats himself down where does he get the strength to lift you up?  So basically I was dealing with a prideful person with low self esteem who felt the need to belittle me to validate himself.   I often prayed that God would get him through his insecurities in hopes he would be a better person for both our sakes.  I remember getting to my lowest point but Thanks be to God I may be down for a moment but through HIS strength I did not only rise but I continue to shine. My journey wasn't short nor was it easy and there were plenty of days I wanted to just give up but a whisper on the inside of me was repeatedly saying "just hold on and continue to move forth. And I did. 

So, I shall follow those words still and  I will begin to faithfully post in hopes my story encourages at least one person.

Until tomorrow... Blessings.

I leave you with this:

You have already won the victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

1 John 4:4

Fear is the False Evidence Appearing Real.

Fear is being afraid to let go when you have already been set free. It's kind of like the old slavery movies when the slave is set free but is afraid to leave. He has been beaten down, disrespected and humiliated so much that any other way of life seems unrealistic. He knows in his heart that there is a better life out there and he should take this chance and run like the wind, but his loyalty holds him in place and causes his feet to be unable to take the steps required to meet the path of freedom.  This was once me.  There are plenty of days that I should have ran as fast as I could and never turned back, but I didn't. I saw a fight worth fighting. There was only one problem... I was an army of one. Fighting for a marriage that I seem to be in by myself. It's funny now that I think of it. The marriage certificate stated there were two and the bible states there are three, but in my mind I could only find me.  Never doubting his love it carried me through , even that's funny now because I loved someone else with more love than I had for myself.  Sometimes in life you love others so much that it diminishes the love you had for yourself. You believe if you love a person enough they will love you even more.  Not at all true. I became emotionless, numb to the pain that my heart felt.  How did I allow myself get to this point?   I knew better was outside of the four walls I stood behind, I knew greater was in me. I just could not at that time pull myself out of this emotionless beaten down shell that I reverted to as shelter.  Where did the love for me go and why did I allow it to leave?   I now know " Greater  is He that is in me, than he that is in the World.  Fear is no longer an option.

Confidence doesn’t dismiss insecurity and Flawless doesn’t make you fearless.   If you turn me outside in, will my actions still be the same. No, I didn’t say it backwards, it’s exactly what I meant.  Oh, my outside is like a beautiful flower that has just blossomed with the scent of a cool spring morning. My make-up flawless, thanks to MAC, the lipstick seems to bring my gorgeous smile to life.  My tantalizing curves accent my clothing. My walk, well let’s just say when I walk past a mirror or store window, even I can’t turn away from me. Fierce is a mere understatement of what you see, on the outside of me. You smile at the confidence you see in me. The simple-minded thoughts of believing a hug or kiss would be the root of my forgiveness. Oblivious to the inner pain caused by  actions against me has yet to disappear nor everything I was taken through while I held steadfast to hope but living in fear. Really, I should smile and count my blessings that I have you...with the hurt I hold on the inside while you walk around with total disregard for my pain.  Pain you caused but dare not take the blame.  Unbreakable chains?  When I present awareness, you display ignorance turning your head as my tears began to flow like heavy rains. You force yourself to become detached to the words I shout of how the hurt of my insides coming out causes intolerable and unbearable pain and because it’s on the inside you walk away. Leaving my heart in dismay. You know it’s there but because you can’t see it, your mind causes you not to care.   Therefore, since my outside is flawless and fearless it will be okay on the inside. Now the question is if my inside comes out will you be ready because it’s not so beautiful, it's not so fierce nor is it a glamorous sight , it's just the bitterness of hurt is ready to fight.  J. Essence 12.7.17

I never imagine one person or situation could disrupt my life to the point I no longer knew who I was or held no desire to believe there was more to life.  I now understand there is not one part of my life that hasn’t happened for a reason. Surprisingly, I have learned that every hurt, failure, setback, and disappointment experienced was simply a tool building me into the person I was destined to become. I could no longer hold blame or unforgiveness towards others or even myself. I simply learned to view my life as a workout. I was being whipped in shape, physically, mentally and spiritually. For example, every rejection became a 5lb weight, stab in back 10lbs., failure 25lb. I think you understand my point. Each weight caused me to transform, but when I did nothing, it weighed me down. It cut off my circulation, while causing me to believe this is it and there is nothing more I could do to better the situation, myself or life.  I didn’t always have the knowledge of how to circumvent the obstacle that swayed my way, but eventually I became stronger.  Strength and understanding came with each weight I lifted. Granted this did not stop the weights from coming. I now knew I had options and most importantly, I did not and could not do it alone. See the funny thing about it all is I’ve always felt like If I didn’t take care of me nobody else would. Truth is, I never had to worry about that in the first place. I was in my own way, and baby when you move out the way and believe… God steps in and life happens.  As I share my journey I promote healing not just for myself but those who look in the mirror and see me.