Unknown Insecurities

Lost in a world between You and Me, searching for the truth to set us free. My heart pumps harder as my reflection appears, Just as I’m about to get a glimpse it disappears.

 Lost in a world between You and Me, searching for the right time to set us free.

A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  I could go on and the titles would never end. 

Is this all to Me.

Lost in a world between You and Me, questioning myself while recovering from a theft whereas the culprit responsible is really Me.   Who am I or am I who You define Me to be. 

Lost in a world between You and Me, no need for the path that will set us free, if I truly don't understand the power I possess just being Me.

Lost in a world between You and Me, locked in a room unable to break free. Searching for an escape that appears nowhere in sight.  Surrounded by closed doors, unbreakable walls, ceilings out of reach but yet ready to fall.  I scream inside with all my might, but only silence heard and no energy to fight.  Each thought of my life seems to cause this space to become extremely tight. 

I can’t find the light. 

The darkness consumes Me. Where are You?  I try once again to fight, causing my already tired body to crash to the cold floor with not enough strength to turn the knob and walk out the door.  Tears running down my face, not understanding how I continue to end up in this place.  

Why can't my mind break free?  

At least long enough to understand why You turned the mirrors  away from Me.

Not able to reach the light within, the darkness consumes Me. 

It takes control. 

 The voices I hear, cry out in desperation for the attention of anyone who may be near but only attention You draw is fear. 

Which readily presents itself.

 Feeling defeated I close my eyes to envision what my life might have been, if only I had not left room  for You and insecurity to creep in, to enter and flow through, defining and designing Me into someone I never wanted to be.

 But is this really Me?

  I open my eyes only to see everything I ever needed  has always been within Me. 
  I open my hands and there lies a set of keys. The keys are labeled with acceptance, self truth, power    and destiny. Everything I need lies within Me.

So to provide clarity “You” is who I use to be and “Me” is who I’ve grown to be ..FREE

Free of feeling unworthy, unwanted, undeserving and unappreciated.

In this walk called life, I’ve learned no one person is exempt from insecurities. 

We just have to learn to love ourselves beyond the insecurities, in order to get pass them.

I've learned in life there are two mirrors. The mirror in the fitting room and the one at home. 

The fitting room mirror is designed to make you look and feel good about what you are seeing. It has the right lighting and tilt to make you look and feel fabulous.  Whereas, the mirror at home tells it like it really is. Lol.  Not to say you don't look fabulous still. It just gives a different view and not the one you received from the fitting room mirror. 

I say this to say, It is easy to perceive yourself as others would have you to do but what do you see within you. Like when you are alone, how do you see yourself? 

I continuously do a self check in the mirror, not just to make sure my beautiful face is still in tack, but to check on my inner self. My heart, my mind, my emotions and my fight. 

  My mirror once displayed reflections of  the depression, low self worth, hurt, pain, brokenness, shattered dreams, broken promises to myself and the ugliness. Instead of facing and addressing these issues I chose to turn my mirrors away from me. If I didn't acknowledge it, I was crazy enough to believe it didn't exist.  It wasn't until I began to see what God had already placed in me, that I started to fight.   God didn't give me any of this. I acquired it through my own negative thinking.  The truth is we are God's handy work, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  Eph. 2:10                                       

Life has a way of putting mirrors in front of you when you lest expect it. How do you see yourself?

 My fight isn't completely over but I haven't given up either!  Neither should you!

  Stay Blessed.  

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.”  Song of Solomon 4:7 

Dear Loves,

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I started blogging after a rough patch in my life and it became an outlet for  my emotions and mistakes to be poured into without judgement. Once I got over that situation I stopped blogging not realizing that was just the end to that chapter but not my story.  It also dawned on me I didn't just shut down my blog but shut out those who may find solace in my words

So here I stand refreshed, reloaded and ready to share.  

 Praying my words add a little light to your life.

Peace and Blessings!

Finding you in the midst of the storm

It wasn't in the forecast but it was definitely in the pit of my stomach.  I felt a storm brewing.  Yet, I was unprepared.

The winds were incredibly strong, forcing me along it's path rather than my own.  It spun me in a whirlwind of circles, until I no longer knew who or where I was. I caught my balance just in time to face the rains that uncontrollably flooded what I valued  the most. My thoughts disappeared with loud pounding of thunder right before lightening struck the foundation of my defeated existence. My world crumbled leaving me stuck in the rubble of what once was my so called life. Standing alone in the darkness, clenching pieces of my brokenness, searching for a wholeness I once owned. The tears began to fall at the thoughts of giving in to the storm.  I deserve this, I should have prepared for the storm.  Although, I knew it would come again as it came many times before. There were never thoughts of  preparation, just silly ideals of how to stop the storm with no action plan behind it. Only the expectation it's passing, in hopes it wouldn't stay long and I could get back to this wretched thing I now called my life.

The storm drained me, depleting all and any emotions I may have held in regards to my life.

Now that it's over I find the strength to pick up what I can salvage of the broken pieces and rebuild my broken life upon the broken foundation.  In hopes that it would hold, but not anticipating it withstanding another storm. It's okay,  I know it will not hold but for a moment.  It's where and what I've grown to know. It may not be the best but I am comfortable there.  Although the sun is shining else where my mind tells me I must to stay here.

I want to walk out but my insecurities causes me to believe there will be whispers by strangers and the judgement by friends. The insecurities send me back into the storm because at least there I know what to expect and in some strange way I have forced myself to believe I am safe. Truth is, no one is whispering. Strangers see me and scream for me to come out.  My true friends are praying that I find my way.

I  have weathered storm after storm until we were of one accord.  Along with my storms, I was

destructive, defensive, crushed, with no real sense of purpose, or regards to the inconveniences of  lives being interrupted, just as long as at the end of it all,  hurt was felt by someone.  I tolerated what was thrown at me like a hungry dog chasing a half eaten bone.  I convinced myself to be comfortable in the storm by repeating the words I told myself daily." This is your life, things will get better, just sit tight".  These words clouded my mind so much I no longer told myself , "You are beautiful", instead it became easier to hide behind a beautifully drawn on smile. Easily put on resulting in me no longer looking in the mirror.  There was no need,  I was unfamiliar with the person looking back at me. I no longer recognized who I use to be, only who I have become.  She was not me.  My eyes shined bright, hers full of darkness, my smile matched my eyes, hers was just there.  Self esteem was replaced with self pity and wine became my word. I was held captive to my own self doubt. No regards of my self worth.

To God be All the Glory!!!

I now know those storms were mine for a reason.  Although there are so many bad memories and hurts, I am so thankful for those storms. In the midst of it I discovered what I could really weather. I was not depleted I was still full of life, I was never defeated,  I persevered with the strength of a thousand men.   Those hurts taught me how to guard my heart.  I confused complacency with being comfortable.  I thought it was the storms that took away what I valued most. Not at all. I needed to be empty to be filled.  God stripped me of the self confidence, which harbored both pride and ego, because there was no place for those things where he needed me to go.  Every loud cry, God heard and for each tear He replaced with joy. The broken pieces of my life were replaced with  wholeness and peace.  At my weakest point I  realized God made me strong.  He Blessed me with the strength to stand in it and come through it. I stood in the darkness until I made the choice to see the light.  Yes, I had to make the choice and God did the rest.

 Although I will continue to tell my story I do understand that my brokenness was not due to a man, but to God I give all the Glory. I had to be broken in order to walk this path He set forth for me.   

 Good, bad, ugly, hard , hectic, stressful and unbearable, things happen for a reason. Find your strength in the storm and know that God is working things out for His Glory.  Pray without ceasing and cry until the tears no longer fall.  Praise God in the midst of your storm, call on Him and he will answer. Never look at what it looks like and shut the negativity of your own thoughts out.   Share your feelings with someone or start a Dear Self journal if you are too ashamed to share with someone close to you.   I just know believing you are the only one going through it, destroys you and your hopes.  I went through it alone not wanting to be judge.  Remember we are our own worst judges.

 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.    2Corinthians 4:8-9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to him  and he will make your path straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  1Peter 5:10

I hope this helps at least one person. 

God Bless.

Strong Woman

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. 

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeat so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.   Maya Angelou 

This quote inspired me to pull out one of my deepest hurts to share tonight.

It was a hurt I am still healing. Imagine someone putting a whole fist through your heart and pulling it out while softly kissing you, after leaving the words I love you more than life ringing in your ears. Heartless.  After being separated for about 8 months, I moved back home.  To better lay things out for you I will back up a year and a half before separating. He and I were living in Tennessee, in his home town. He received a good job there a few years after retiring from Military. He later asked me to  move there so that we could work on our marriage, the second time around. I thought about it for several weeks and then decided to just do it. I gave up my job, pension and all else that came with my position. Why not, I was his wife and my husband had always been a great provider, despite the constant infidelity.  I wasn't worried financially, however, I had my reservations emotionally, but regardless of any apprehensive thoughts, I moved to Tennessee. I let him know before I came there, that I was still an emotional wreck from all the events that had taken place over the past year or so including his infidelity.  He assured me that he was ready to be what I need him to be.  I explained I was not mentally capable of dealing with any foolishness from him. Point blank I was fragile and if he wasn't sincere then leave me alone.  He assured me a hundred times over he was serious. I can't remember all of what was said but that was the just of it and yes I believed him.  I thought with my heart, because I loved this man. (Don't Judge Me).

  In all fairness I must be honest, when I left him that first time I did find me someone who catered to me especially on an emotional level. This man was everything my husband wasn't emotionally, but he wasn't my husband.  I also let my husband know in a phone conversation, after I left him that I had a "friend".  I guess I really needed him to know he wasn't the only one who could get somebody else and  I am going to own up to mines.  Which in some crazy way, I figured if I told him about it, I was better than him.  I also wanted him to feel as hurt as he hurt me. Of course ego got the best of him but I could care less at that time.  This was the first time in our marriage that I decided to do me.  So to shorten that story, I moved to Tennessee to get back what we lost and redevelop a better marriage.  Keep in mind I moved away from my family and friends into unfamiliar territory.  We had several months of blissful days , out of nowhere here comes this drama king acting as if all of a sudden out of the blue everything is a problem. So after awhile of ignoring his antics I asked what was wrong with him and he clearly said he was stressed from trying to deal with his marriage life and outside life.  Holding my breathe, I asked him to clarify outside life, the job is what I got. In my mind home life can't be a problem, barely see each other during week due to him working 3-midnight shift and I worked from 7:30 am-5pm. I spent most of time with kids during week and weekends we split between family time and date night for us. It seem to be happy times at least from my perspective. I mean we shared a great deal of laughter and fun every date night, making plans for the next.  So, I blew the whole conversation off because I just didn't feel like hearing the lies covered in foolishness.  One day he asked me to print him phone bills out because the company apparently had been over charging or something. Anyway I did but it also included the call logs which YES, I went through the call log.  He should not have given me access to information, he didn't want me to find.  I noticed a number that he called and texted regularly during his work hours. You already know, I became a detective and yes I called  number.  The young lady explained she had been with him and her dates were prior to me moving there.  So I asked him and of course he lied but eventually said it was somebody he just talk to on the phone  and it was a phone relationship.  This him being honest. SMH, still lying.   That was it, I absolutely had to get away. I am in the middle of nowhere ( We lived in the county away from his family and everything else) and then some more foolishness, not to mention he was trying to convince me constantly that there was nothing between him and a family friend who was also married. I felt that in my gut but he and she constantly denied it. His some of his family members told me I was tripping about that.  She attended most of the family functions, so it was in my face.   Of course he wouldn't speak to her when I was around and I would often catch her staring at me, of course I was told I am tripping as usual.  Well, years later I found out I was right and her husband put a monkey wrench in that.  His sister than confirmed it.  It was time for me to go back home and I was even more of a wreck when I left.

About 5 months after I left Tennessee, he moved back to Virginia as well. Thus started his pursuit to getting his family back.  I refused his proposals for about 9 months. During that time apart, I was in church but also seeing someone. I became convicted and felt the need to move home and make it right as my husband had previously asked.  I don't know when it happen, but I had a strong desire to do what was right in God's sight. I had a conversation with my husband and we agreed that I would move back home.  He told me about someone he had been seeing but it didn't go anywhere and she wasn't what he wanted. He strongly expressed being ready to have his family back at home. We agreed to seek counseling as well. So we moved forth. 

As always it doesn't take long to figure him out.  Sure enough he was still seeing this person and to add insult to injury she was 26 years old and he was 47 at the time. She had 2 young kids and I believed lived with her parents. One day during an argument, he actually told me he didn't  actually break up with her because he didn't want to lose me and things did not work out for them and vice versa. It infuriates me still.  I told him he needs to go and do whatever it takes but she needs to disappear because life doesn't work like that.  This man literally came back home and cried  because he hurt  this girl. I was shocked. I really had to question God because, I believed I was doing what God told me to do. I prayed for direction on this situation because I was so ready to leave.  The next morning he woke up rolled over gave me a hug and kiss, told me he loved me. He wanted me to get dress so we could go to breakfast I was so confused, but I went. For weeks everything was good. He was attentive and a sweetheart. Then here comes the BOOM. He moved his adult daughter in with her 3 kids (whom we weren't on speaking terms), without any consideration of consulting with me. 

they rarely got along. He started being distant towards me and pretty much carried the attitude this his house and he does what he wants. Well after finally speaking with his daughter,  she explained he planned this a few months back and that basically she was told I was there but we weren't together and apparently he was in a relationship with the 26 year old.  I told her she will soon see what was really going on.  I'm skipping a lot right now because I am not ready to relive it all. 

He told this child and others that I was only there because I needed help financially and I had no place to live. Lies. I had and still have a good career and a place to live, before his foolish pursuit.

I took so many walks during this time because I needed some type of  answers from God as to why I was here. I was so miserable and it got so much worst. The side disrespect and sneaking around not to mention your daughter and grandkids spending time with her too. His daughter was 28 and the girl was 26 both with young kids. It was out of my league. It was so hurtful, mainly because despite our differences I did more to help his daughter get settled putting my feelings aside.  He did not help her at all. I later found out from one of our friends, he brought his daughter here to run me out.  I truly felt as if I could not handle anymore. The woman child had been up to his job,  I mean I felt defeated, but something in me wouldn't let me run. I prayed even harder and pretty much stayed to myself. I had no more energy to fight or flight. I was stuck. I cried in the shower and as I slept so no one would see my tears. I would go in my prayer closet for hours. He even had my father believing I was this horrible person who cheated on him. My father would say things like I need to get it together and how I got this good man providing a life for me. My dad never asked me anything. He would always attack me based on their conversations. I lashed out at my dad instead of talking to him. I had a problem with trying to prove anything to anyone , I just did not believe in it. I just feel people going believe what they want and who am I to make them believe different. The situation with my dad hurt me to my core, but I backed away from him also.  I put on a strong appearance for my daughter and sons, but I felt like I was barely making it mentally. During this whole adventure he would not divorce me. It's like he took pleasure in seeing me hurt. If I  brought up divorce or separation he would always say we will cross that bridge when we get to it.  I was there.  God blessed me with the strength every moment to wake up and go forth with each day. I know He doesn't put more on you than you can carry, but my load had me on the floor crawling.  I still could not see why was I here. I continued to pray.  His daughter finally saw the light. After many nights of talking to her because she genuinely sought her father's affection and approval and no matter what she couldn't get it. My advice to her was basically love herself  and seek God.  She found a church and became active. She was happier than I've seen her since she first came. She and her father got into a big argument and she released a lot of his business in the air and he truly turned on her, His mission was to move her back to Tennessee asap.  She apologized, telling me how she regretted going along with him and his affair and she realized all her help with the kids and life in Virginia came from me. She knew she was hurting me when it was happening, but I understand also she was strongly seeking a true love from her father. I forgave her when it first started.  She expressed wanting to get baptized and I was there.  What she never knew is I made her father come, he was very reluctant. I pushed my pain aside to be there for her spiritually. She had always believed I was the reason she didn't have that relationship with her father although through the years I was always there for her even when her father had turned his back on her. He raised her but there were so many women and he always put them ahead of her.  She began to realize that I was never the problem. Her father is who he is. He didn't and still doesn't have close relationship with any of his kids (4). He however treated my daughter as if she was biologically his.  Which made his daughter feel even worst. I poured all that I had into her as I did my own.   

So, the Mister is back to being a husband.   The young lady mailed a card for him to the house and he called her in front of me and told her to please do not send things to the house because Johnnetta doesn't like that. ( I should of paid attention to his wording). She cursed him and he hung up.  I was impressed. (SMH at me thinking about how stupid I was).  He brought me flowers, candy, a purse and watch for Valentine's day. I did not get him a card because I did not expect to celebrate anything, not even my birthday, which is I the same week.  He gave me 2 beautiful cards and what he wrote in them made me cry. I thought finally God is answering my prayers. I mean he was all over me and with so much care and consideration. I thanked God over and over again.  That same weekend he was going out of town with his mason friends to Raleigh. I was fine with it.

That Monday when he returned, I used his truck. Getting my bags out I noticed some chocolate hand cuffs in a box on the floor. It must have come from under seat. I asked him about it. He justified it with they gave them out at work. I shook it off. Believing I have to let go of somethings so that God can do a work in me. So, life went on.

 He wanted to take me here and there, just spending time. He and his friend rent a home on the beach every year. Well I did not want to attend because I am really was not trying to be around any places he has taken the woman child.  He called me several times asking me to come. I refused. It's like he forgot it wasn't too long ago I didn't mean anything to you. When I did not go out there Friday night he came home because" he wanted his wife with him".  Saturday afternoon he got ready to go, I still was not going and told him my reasoning, he stated oh she has never been out there I would take her around the wives out there. I just shook my head but I was not going. I told him actually enjoy yourself stay until Monday I'm good.  Nevertheless, he called. I finally came Sunday after church stayed for 20 minutes and left.  In that 20 minutes he put on like we were as happy as a bum winning the lottery.  I couldn't, it was father's day and although my father and I was on bad terms I loved him too much to let this day go by without spending time with him.  I went on my merry way. I seem to be in this constant battle of not letting my heart harden and continue to love unconditionally.   He was this new person so I did not see what came next coming. 

He expressed he wanted to go to Jacksonville to visit his friend. I know they had been talking about going to Jaguars game. So it sounded great to me. He said he was leaving on a Thursday and will be back early Monday afternoon. It was about 3 weeks away so I was appreciative of the heads up and discussing it with me. He had started discussing things with me and making decisions together.  So I was cool with it.  I had no reason to not believe him. He called me a few times along the road , when he got there before he went to bed, when he got up. Sent me pictures and then his phone was going to be turned off and he stated he was going to let it get turned off because his daughter was on the account with him and she didn't pay her part of bill, so this is a lesson to her.  I did agreed at the logic because that meant he would be without a phone. Nevertheless, the phone off for 3 days and then he calls me to let me know its back on and he is on the road home.

Once I got off of work and got home, he immediately kisses me and says thank you for allowing me to have that break and how much he appreciates me. So I am really wondering what's going on.

I looked at him one day while he was driving and he literally looked as if he was being tormented inside. I asked him if he was okay mentally. He just looked dark, but not in color.  He grabbed my hand and said he just had a lot on his mind  and lets go to our favorite spot and get some marguerites.

I was at work minding my own work business when I received a text that stated" You can have your husband back he lied to me".   I knew exactly who it was. This was the same child  that had many taunting conversations with me in regards to how my husband wanted her and not me. How they were trying to have a baby and  I need to leave so he can sell his house and they can start their life.

Yeah, he truly was dealing with a child and I was petty because I went back and forth with her. 

It often ended with her hanging up on me because my mouth can be brutally reckless at times. 

 I texted back to call me and sure enough it was this child crying. She expressed how  he lied to her and she just wanted to apologize to me for all the trouble she caused. (My mind immediately went to you knew he was lying when called me the first time, but you had your thing on a string and couldn't nobody tell you nothing).  But instead I told her she was already forgiven. A peace over came me that could  not be disturbed.  She then continued to tell me how he told her he and I were roommates and I would get mad if he stayed out or if he did not eat the dinner I cooked. Yes, I held my tongue and let her talk besides I was at work.  She continued to tell me how she always had to pay for everything, including a trip to Jamaica (remember the trip he was so grateful I let him take, supposedly in Florida with his homeboy). She sent me the itinerary and pictures taken of them and her two very young children. She sent me pictures they took in hotels and church. Go figure.   She spent her money because apparently he had to take care of me.  She brought clothes for him and took good care of him.  I asked her why would she do this for a married man. She stated he told her we weren't together and he was going to divorce me so that they could start a life together, but I wouldn't let go. I laughed, under my breathe, because she was just as confused as he was. So I am a roommate that wouldn't let go.   I didn't want to believe she was this stupid. After all she let me know she let me know she had just finished RN school and she made good money and did not need a man to take care of her or her kids. She let me know they were happy and the only arguments they had was because she didn't like how he always jumped to leave if I texted or call.  This was surprising to me.   I simply explained to her that men are very selfish and I am sorry she was hurt, but as a wife I can't sympathize with her. Then I broke it down to her woman to woman.  I am not in or have been in any kind of financial bind. I will not put a dime towards household expenses because of my husbands actions. As far as having to take care of everything, that's what a husband does, especially when he tells his wife he doesn't want her to pay anything. He comes home at night because he's married.  He is not sleep when you call or text after a certain hour and he does not respond, he is married.  He answers the phone when I call, because he is married.  She expressed how he really hurt her after being in a relationship for  two years, she can't believe he would just call her and say he can't do this anymore he was tired of living two lives. I almost fell out my chair. They both crazy. I now understood why I had no emotions towards my situation. I was being prepared.  I told the child to not let this harden her heart and don't invest so much in a married man next time. She told me 

she was going to get his baby daddy to do something to him. I told her that's their business just make sure my daughter and I wasn't around, please and to take care and I hope everything works out for her in life.  She was very upset and to top it off the same wife you taunted is the same person you called crying.   I was over all of it, but I'm petty. When I got home he was in his mancave  pretty much in deep thought. I said I heard you and your girlfriend broke up. He told me he didn't want to talk about it but my pettiness wouldn't let me leave it there, so you really told that girl you was tired of living two lives.  He looked at me to see if I was angry, I wasn't. I really found the situation hilarious.  I knew God and I knew his work.  He will turn things around in a blink of an eye.

I was now numb and I thank God each day for that numbness because that wound was severe and I could feel it. I did not cry. I literally laughed until my stomach hurt. This was pure craziness.  

He sat me down the next day and we talked about the whole situation. Still I didn't get upset, not tear formed. I was amazingly calm.  I believe the only thing I expressed I was hurt about was that we had always planned to take our first cruise together and he took that from me. I thanked him and carried on as if nothing happened. I called my friend so we can laugh about it together.   He later as a surprised booked a cruise for us. After thinking on it for several days  I declined. He was upset because he would lose his deposit but oh well such is life. I wasn't going. 

 I was numb to everything pertaining to my marriage, including intimacy. This affair was the straw that broke the camels back.  I read more of my word and prayed in search of my emotions so I could properly pray. Nothing, I kept coming up empty but I was okay with not feeling anything for my situation. I pushed harder to become closer to God because I believed that's the only way to get clarity. The church I joined compensated for the happiness I did not have in my marriage. I still continued to be a wife faithfully and eventually intimately. Although I believe my reasons for stopping was legitimate. I consulted with the assistant Pastor at my new church in regard to my situation and my current lack of feelings in regards to it.  I was told sometimes it's like a light you can flip the switch on and off so many times and it works for you but there is going to come that one time you flip the switch and nothing happens. The bulb is just done. Since he would not come to church whenever I asked we couldn't get proper counseling, so I had to just get it for my lack of feelings. My focus quickly turned off my situation, no more worries me, poor little victim me. My friend asked me when it comes to your marriage what do you want.  I had no clue. She said you must first decide what you want because God honor's our request, but we can't waver in our decision. It was a lot to chew on. I couldn't find emotions so how could I even know what I wanted.  I just felt empty like,

that feeling you have when you have given it everything you've got. Nothing remains, It feels like a piece of your soul is missing.  I just needed strength and to know why am I here. Not on earth but in this situation. This whole marriage was never me. 

I am the Lord your God, who brought you up and out of the land of Egypt. Open your mouth and I will fill it. Psalms 81:10.

That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am Strong.     2 Corinthians 12:10

Although I now look back and think I had to be out of my mind. I know it was all done for a greater purpose that only God could reveal.

Go through your trials knowing He is with you every step of the way. He allows us to stumble to build strength but never does he leave your side when you trust in him.   

You are beautiful!!

Just a quick note:

 Praise your way into Peace.   

Wisdom comes while waiting, developing patience is amazing.
Your struggle never defines you, it only gives definition of the strength you acquired to come out of what you went through. Your weakness is not your downfall but its the reason you now stand tall. Being judge doesn't make it true, it builds character that proves you weren't what was spoke of you. Your scars shouldn't be hidden, it shows the world what you've been through. Rejection allowed you to stand out and be true to you. Being alone doesn't make you lonely, it allots time of self reflection and the silent moments to hear God's words and feel His affection.

There were so many times in my life as I reminisce,  I can say, I wish I knew what I now know, but everything is a process. In my opinion you are never wrong when you go through a situation whereas you have done all you have the knowledge to do. You can't google everything and even if someone gives you good advice or advice period you are still reluctant. Every situation is different as are people. I can say I would have done it differently if I knew then what I know now but really would my situation had been the same. I think not. I am a lot wiser then I was previously and my faith is far beyond what it use to be.  I am very thankful for every experience in life that I have encountered. It has prepared me and strengthen me. I now understand that I don't have to hide my scars or believe the lies I allowed myself to believe about me.  I promise if you seek God and lean on him in your time of trouble, He will give you a peace and joy in the middle of chaos, that those surrounding you would never understand. He did that for me and it was absolutely amazing. It didn't end my troubles but it kept me in an unbelievable place of peace.  My happiness would be snatched away but I still had my joy. My circumstances would be all over the place but peace was all over me.  

Because your love is better than life. my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you  as long as I live,  and in your name I will lift up my hands.  Psalms 63:3-4

If someone is in the dark share the Light. Don't be gentle with the truth. Speak up louder, let your words be heard, proclaim it with all your might. Fear not the fiasco it may bring, in their ears let God's words ring.   Stand strong in what is right and know He stands with you through your plight.  Allow your pain to fuel your power. Pray without ceasing in the midnight hours.  Faith increases when you have no fear of being led.  Let go of what you know to obtain understanding that will provide knowledge that allows you to grow.  

Peace and Blessings All

Focus

Fighting to focus, forcing myself to face reality of a waking dream of  no more you and me. I stood in place although my mind screamed run, my heart wouldn't let me leave.  Not understanding why you spoke words that annihilated  my very existence as they rolled off your tongue, crept up my sleeve hitting my heart, demolishing my dreams one by one.  But I forgave you and my heart to you still stood true.
 Forgiveness seems unfair but necessary to repair the torn broken walls that held me in place.
Consumed with bitterness as I reminisce of the last time a smile or laughter crossed my face. But   I forgave you. I had a choice and I chose not to choose, so I felt I had to continue the race or else I would lose you. For that your consequences I endured. 
Staring in mirror only to realize a wretched mess stood with hidden emotions as wide as oceans,  Needing to vent to someone instead remaining silent out fear of being judged because you think no one would understand or even want to hear.  To endure any form of criticism sends you over the edge, especially when you are already standing on the ledge.  Question: If I jumped would you even care? I  But I forgive you, as this life I continued to live unfair.

 

Now that I am able to reminisce without dropping a tear,  a lot of things appear very clear. How could I  put so much focus on someone  who did not add to my life. It was a constant distraction of subtraction. Meaning, I was steady being stripped of me, piece by piece.  It took away my confidence, my happiness and peace and replaced it with so much hurt, pain and sadness. 
It's funny how, I thought I  use to know so much but really didn't know enough at all. I figured if I seriously focused on me, it would make for a better marriage then everything would be great. So untrue, that would make me self centered. A marriage is a mixture of three elements. Although I knew that I still decided to focus on me believing it would fix things.
  I often asked myself " what is wrong with me" ? I would even ask him and he would often say it's not about me but himself. Go figure that was the one truth he told and I didn't believe it.  Side note: I know it and believe it now.  In effort on both parts to make it work we decided to see a marriage counselor and I found the meetings very productive and helpful. Welcoming constructive criticism and suggestions about myself.  I thought it was going well. Apparently not because he decided it was not working. Okay was all I could say, but I continued to see the therapist because I know had a voice to speak an ear without judgement, most important words that came from the wisdom of knowing God. My therapist was a minister and no I did not tell my husband this before hand as I know he would not agree to see the therapist.  In my search for marriage counselors, I only looked for ones who were Christians.  I may have been wrong but I needed some Jesus.  He believed and prayed to God, but as we all have done. He wanted to live like he wanted to live. His choice.
I really needed some type of understanding of why and how a person could be so untouched by their actions towards you but move mountains to get you back if you leave them.  This man has cried on so many shoulders every time I walked away or  talked about leaving. He will go to extreme of moving from state to state to be with me just to treat me like dirt. Everything would start off great then six months down the line he would go on the internet and or a club and boom he was back to a married man living single again.   But when you love your husband, you forgive and move on. A repeated cycle. I was a hamster in a wheel but I did love him, flaws and all. I just thought I could make him into a better person. He could be the biggest sweetheart.  I really saw something better in him.  Sometimes you have to believe it when people indirectly tell you who they really are.  Always remembering Ephesians 6:12, I pray for him daily.  I remember one situation whereas he was being him and doing what he does best and he walked in expecting a confrontation , ( by this time I was praying about everything) I was so peaceful it scared him. I don't think he slept all night but I did.  The next morning he was a wreck. He asked me if I were okay. I gave him a simple yes along with kiss on the cheek and said God got this, so I'm great.  That's my first memory of noticing peace was overcoming me.  I get chills remembering how I felt. Going from arguments with sleepless nights watching him snore like he didn't have a care in the world to sleeping like a baby and waking up happy even though I was still in the midst of my problems.   Although I was no where out of the woods, I felt a comfort like never before. I did not focus any longer on myself , my husband or my marriage, but solely on God. Although my situation was the same and my heart was still ached, I felt different, a good different and still this day I can't exactly describe it. I just felt happiness.  I felt like David in 2 Samuel 22:17-20.

Sometimes the sweetest apple can be so satisfying until you see that spot where a worm has been. You enjoyed it so much but everything changed when you noticed you weren't the only one who enjoyed it and it's no longer any good for you. Attempting to bite the other side, you  really can't enjoy it the same. You can cut the infiltrated  part off but  you still know it was there . So your taste for it changes. But because your were hungry and this apple was satisfying to you it's hard to just throw it out without exploring other options.    Then someone wiser comes along and removes that apple.  You are hurt, probably mad and in disbelief.   Especially when you are given apple seeds and directed  to plant them in a new unknown territory.  So, basically faithful patience of the my future is where I stand following the direction of the light that will produce the soil to multiply my fruit.

To be honest I still love him and hold nothing against him, but so THANKFUL he has been removed from my life. I keep in prayer. God created me with a big heart.


Good night All!

Today I opened my chest just for you. I waited patiently as you took in the view.  The sight of my heart as it pumped fascinated you.  Amazed at it's size brought questions to the mind. How can something the size of  your fist  be the reason life in the body exist? How can something so small be the reason for it all. Then it no longer intrigues you and you walk away never noticing the beats that asked you to stay.  You turn around for a second look not believing what you saw was true.  Smiling at what you felt your eyes were telling you. The selfish thoughts of my heart only beats because of you caused you to dance as you backed away. The look on my face stated that my heart wasn't okay.

Suddenly, it ceased to pump, my mind goes blank while you catch me as my body slumps. Clear ! I hear from some where distant as you send shock waves through my very existence, not to bring me back to life instead to satisfy your pride. Feeling no shame because you enjoy this ride. You assume it's because of you my heart should continue a healthy strive.  I attempt to recover with no avail , continuing to walk by you side as you guide me from happiness to hell and back again. I become tired and worn out but holding on not letting the journey end. Contemplating , what would happen if I just let my heart stop. Agonizing over the thoughts of your past rejections while feeling hopeless  and tired of being neglected.  The darkness is too dark  I can't see a life ahead and the light is to bright, so I close my eyes to the truth. I can't think, my mind goes blank, I just want life to be lived as it should have been,  sharing laughter and love with you as not only my husband but my best friend.

But that's not my story, it's the story I wanted for me.  

Life doesn't always turn in the direction we wish, but we have to push past the difficulty it brings. Believe in God more than we believe in man.  I loved harder than I think I have ever loved in my entire life, All it brought me was heartache, humiliation and pain.  Truth is I allowed it to happen to me, not for any reason other than wanting the love of this man.  I use to feel as though I was so secure with who I was as a woman. I was never the jealous type. I was inspired by other woman who appeared to have it all together. Never judge a book by it's cover.  We all have some insecurity and from time to time its okay to have a face to face reality check with yourself.   Although this was 13 years of my life, it was well worth the lesson of this experience.  Crazy part of it all is I thought I truly knew who I was, but I really didn't know me. lol.  When you go through life trials you really find out who you truly are. I was a fighter, but I gave up at times. I was a strong independent black woman, but I became weak, vulnerable and dependent on the affections of someone else. I handled my business, but I let things go. I walked with my head held high, but I often looked at the ground to avoid people seeing my red eyes from the tears I produced the night before. I was full of life, but I felt I had no more to give at times. I had a strong mind but I wasn't at peace. 

It wasn't until I truly submitted myself and everything I was going through to God that I acquired the peace and joy that I still hold.  Something different happened. I was no longer in the dark, my eyes saw things different, my mind no longer played tricks on me. I knew better. My heart belonged to God and He truly protected it.  I prayed and He answered.  My life is on the path He created for me and in this journey I feel safe. It's not easy by far, nor is everything what I would chose for me, but its not my story , It's the story He has for me and I am so ready for the next chapter. 

For He knows the plans He has for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future   Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all you heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

 

If you would like to email me, you may do so at  essenceoflife.me2@gmail.com

Lies to Life

 When you look me in my eyes, is there a glimpse or sparkle that begs to be fed lies?

Is there a glare that I possess that screams through the roof , please tell me more and let it be  untruths?

Do you prevaricate as a means of escape from the reality of what is really true? 

To keep it simple, Are your lies meant to hurt me or hide you? 

Does my thoughtfulness and consideration  warrant you distorting the truth with utter fabrications?

  Are your lies provoked by your fears or do you truly believe your lies bring sweet melody of belief to my ears.     There is no answer because your truth are lies and your lies are your truths. Perhaps if you lie prostrate in humility, you will not only find the real you but you might see me. 

Being in a marriage with lies became easy over time. It no longer hurt to find out the truth. There was no disbelief in what came next or what was about to happen. When you love someone sometimes you take what they give you , excuse it, forgive it and move on. I did that.  I often felt like a utter idiot while holding on to the thought this is my husband and I had to be a wife no matter what.  There were times I felt like this would never end and then poof just like that he is back to being this attentive, loving husband leading me to believe the lies  and foolishness were well worth going through.  But I repeatedly went through this cycle for 13 years. It wasn't normal, but it was my normal. I dealt with it as always anything to keep my marriage together. Don't get me wrong we had some great times and those are the memories that got me through the rough times.  I often would think back to the day my aunt told me that I was impatient and never gave anyone a chance. She continued by saying I needed to try something different and open my heart and have patience. To stop running from my problems and stand and fight through.  Well, that was before I married and I so regret that I listened to her. I valued her opinion of course and did what she suggested.  I kept her words through it all. I often felt like it was my fault life was happening as it was. I often prayed. It seemed like the closer I would get to God the further my husband would get from me. I eventually gave up on God in hopes of having my husband. Stupid I know but everyone has something stupid they've done in life.  I still prayed and talked to God, I just backed away from serving Him. My conversations with God soon became on a I need you Lord basis.  Things in my marriage would be great for a good six months and then right back to the foolishness. As a woman I felt like nothing most of the time. There were many nights I felt so sick to my stomach with stress. Those were the type of instances I felt the need to give God some time. I knew better , just did not do better.  Funny thing looking back on things ,  God never left me as I did Him.  He was still there. In the still of the night I would hear a small voice saying rest you are okay. Being at the place I was in life at that time, I figured it was me subconsciously soothing myself, but knowing what I now know, it was God. I would literally fall asleep and wake up so rejuvenated ready to take on the world.  That is until the next thing happened. I was like one of those blow up clown you knock down repeatedly and it just bounce back up. I soon ran out of air and was truly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was on 2 different types of anxiety medications. I remember being so worried about what my husband was doing I actually checked myself out of the hospital. They wanted to keep me overnight due to abnormal EKG. Yes, I was tripping. He on the other hand didn't have a care in the world. I thought I was really going to fall off the edge. Did I mention he was not the only person living a double life. Yes, I lived a double life. I presented myself at work and to others as if there I didn't have care in the world and everything was good, but my insides were ripped to shreds and because I decided to hide the truth I had no one to share my hurt.  I had one friend who could see right through me and would encourage me to pray. Well you should already guess I put distance between us.  I know, I am shaking my head at myself as I type this, but when you going through and you refuse to seek God, it's like finding your way in total darkness. I stumbled and bumped into walls trying to feel my way through this without the light.  I knew only God could get me through but I held on to the memory of when I gave all my time to God , serving Him faithfully , my husband was doing the most and my marriage was becoming so distant. I kept if I was home more none of this would have happened.  Yes I know I was so wrong on about 10 different levels, but I can only be honest.   Well this brings me to early spring last year, still going through same foolishness after being separated, divorced and remarried (yes I married him twice), separated, again and finally seeking marriage counseling,  he told me he did not like this new person I had became. See a year or so before I devoted myself to God, became saved again. I looked to God to in everything no matter what was going on. I decided , sometime in 201,6 I would start 2017 off by getting baptized.  Well Sunday evening, January 1, 2017 I got baptized while he entertained a New year's day dinner with friends.  Believe it or not it did not bother me one bit , I had a peace like never before come over me. You see this time I chose God because He is the same all day every day.  I felt great. I had never been baptized and was so ready to take my faith to another level. You see my new attitude came sometime after the hospital breakout.  Due to a praying and faithful friend pulling on me despite my apprehension, talking me through difficult nights, constantly pushing me, laughing with me at my pain and most of all dealing with the repeated conversations about the same thing. Never once did she encourage me to act on her opinion as some situations upset her, but she would encourage me to seek God before I did anything. We would end conversations in prayer.  Sometimes she would call me just to say a prayer and hang up.  Our main prayer was get him right or remove him.  I prayed for God's will to be done. I am so grateful for her.  Any way, 2016 I pulled on God, 2017 I was ready to give God my all. Well although my husband didn't say anything, I knew it did not set well with him. He even tried to have me  believe that he wanted to do things right and he wanted his family more than anything.  Well by this time I had new eyes that I were seeing through and being in the word filled me up so I knew not to waver but instead Keep my eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of my faith.  When my husband told me he did not like this new person I had become, I had a gut feeling my storm was coming to an end. I saw things clearer. If I had something or someone to believe in he could no longer control my feelings.  This is a man who admitted he didn't love himself and he hated the way he treated me. I told him that makes a lot of sense, because if you can't love yourself how can you love anyone else, but that's his story to tell. I keep him prayer.  Eventually God open doors and I walked through them without question or looking back. I did not understand at the time but now that I am on the other side I see it clearer.   I was blessed with an apartment which my credit says I should not have. I couldn't help but to wonder how this was going to work with my husband living in the house and me in apartment. The year before when I wanted to moved I couldn't, I was turned down either because of income or credit. I became discouraged and stopped and settled at the thought we will just live in the house together.  God works in his time. Praising Him.  Long story short , that husband  sold the house and vanished out of state. He lied about where he was and I just simply said okay.  I have I limited contact meaning I've only heard from him twice via text and email.  Thanking God. I'm shouting in my head.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I wasn't sure at first because  the bible says God despises divorce, but it also states if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave let him go. Glory. I am at peace, although in being honest I have my moments and days but they are truly  becoming few and far between. Most of all I still have my peace and joy.   

Goodnight.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in you.  Isaiah 26:3

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.   Philippians 4:6 

I AM A BLACK WOMAN

Do you fear me? Or is it because of my power & knowledge you stand clear of me?

Tell me, How do you see me. 

Is it ... Sitting at home in the projects collecting a check, producing kids with no father in sight, giving my money to my man, using public transportation, looking for an argument or fight.  Feeling suffocated by my own walls, waiting for that call for a better life. Unable to understand my emancipation because of my lack of education. Blinded by oppression not able to see why I should be treated better by society because I am ME.

Or is it ...

On drugs sexing thugs for a little love or a hit of that good splift to drown me in my sorrows, no hope for tomorrow, looking at my babies wonder what's next...

Oh it's the first of the month and I should cheer up up and be happy because you gave me a check..

I don't think so.

 You see My Powers run strong and my Knowledge runs deep, even while you sleep on me. I am a Black Woman, doing what you don't expect of me. A nice home in the suburbs, a degree, a father that loves his children and adores me. Everything you weren't prepared to see when you saw me. 

So tell me, is the fear that you display because you will never be me?  

Beware and Learn to Acknowledge the Consequences of my Knowledge!!!!

I was cleaning some things out for the new year and I came across this poem I wrote in 1998.

Be Blessed All.